Some lies we believe in the bitterness of a breakup... (Be prepared for grammatical errors that will make my senior english teacher scream!)
1) Time will heal:
In theory, this sounds good and seems to "work" most of the time...but let's examine what really happens. This also goes hand in hand with "If I ignore them for a long time, I'll be over them". Is time really healing you? Or are you just trying to let enough time pass to where so many new things happen to you that you have to really think to relive the events that lead to the break-up (be it bad or mutual). I am so guilty of this myself. And how silly of us to even set little time goals where we think "Okay...by 6 months from now, I will be over him/her and everything will be okay", and just to be honest, how many of us actually plan on earnestly seeking God through this set time? I could be wrong, but to me that sounds so prideful to say "okay, by this time next year, I will be all better and ready to date again" (which there are more things wrong with this statement that we will cover later), then after a year of distractions, realize none of the issues were solved by merely waiting in idleness. This may not be our intention, but it is as if we are saying "Ok God, I have set aside this much time to get over him/her, make it happen". May I state the reality that we are on GOD'S watch...not our own. I understand that some of our intentions are to really seek God through the bitterness,hurt, and anger..but if that is really our goal then it should not matter how much time that takes. Usually our goal behind the goal with a time limit is to get back out in the dating arena and give it another try. Our healing is in God's hands, not set on a timer.
2) If I say "I'm sorry" I will officially be over them:
This is a good STEP in the right direction. May I be the one to point out that just because you say "I'm sorry" does not mean you have apologized. We train preschoolers to say the exact same phrase after punching a kid out on a playground for stealing their crayons, but do they understand the meaning? no. And sometimes we don't as well. If you are not ready to apologize, that is, if you are still holding on to bitterness for that person, do not even try to apologize. Also if your apology has the word "but" in it, you are not ready to apologize. Even if you are at a point where you can tell the other person this phrase, the other person may not be at a point where they want to hear it, especially if you chose to use this phrase. The simplicity and cliche-ness of "I'm sorry" doesn't mix well with a vat of boiling mixed emotions. [If you are a guy: saying you are sorry (and leaving it at that) 3 days after the break up sends signals to the girl that you have not had time to think and reflect on what happen, yet you just don't want to deal with any emotions and are trying to make quick amends to avoid internal conflict.] Your apology to that other person starts with humbling yourself before God. Bring all the anger, bitterness, and hurt with you because you'll need it to understand and have 1/100,000,000,000,000 of an empathetic thought of how God feels when we sin against him. All the "They don't deserve my forgiveness. They cheated. They lied. They manipulated me. They wanted me for the wrong reasons. They didn't appreciate me. They left me out in the cold. They completely faked their feelings for me. How can I forgive them? They are going to have to do something BIG to earn my forgiveness..they are going to have to PAY for me to even see them in a good light. Its going to take me a LONG time to trust them again. Its going to take me a LONG time to forgive them " yet what did God do? He sent us Jesus. We have done all of the above and more to sin against God (we are good at it), yet he says "No, its done. it's paid for." by sending his son Jesus Christ (who lived a sinless life) to die on the cross to pay the penalty for our sins. And by grace (undeserved favor) through faith (putting your trust and belief in Jesus Christ as your savior) his righteousness is imputed to us, we are forgiven and blameless in God's sight, and we live eternally to worship him, to the Glory of God alone. Forgiveness is not accepting an apology. It's recognizing you have been wronged and being willing to love that person passed their trespasses.I will be the first to admit that it is hard to forgive those we feel sinned against us, but until we understand, I mean really understand this reality of the gospel, it is nearly impossible if not all the way impossible to truly forgive. After this realization is when our apology begins to lengthen and we are able to humble ourselves before God and the other person and realized we are not the victim, but the transgressor.
3) The goal of working through these issues is to be over that person so I can date again
If this is your goal, stop dating. (just kidding!). But seriously, if this is the goal, what are we living for? What are we really after? Are we just wanting a spouse, thinking they are the other half that is everything good about us? That would be Jesus. Don't get me wrong here. I am not saying that wanting a spouse is wrong in any way. God wired you for it, its okay for men to want wives and for women to want husbands. I am saying though that our identity is in Christ, which means every single aspect about our lives including marriage should revolve around Christ. In the time we have where we are not committed to someone, that is our time God has blessed us to grow in our faith. If we are not earnestly seeking to know God, there is no sanctification. If all we want is another shot at dating, especially with that cutie in class or at work, we are after the wrong thing. If we want a God glorifying marriage, then we have to understand we are just going to find someone by letting time past, drifting around. God is sovereign, he knows what a God glorifying marriage looks like, he knows WHEN to you are ready. (and its not when we are running around like a kid on halloween, dressed up like someone we are not saying "gimme gimme gimme"). The goal of working through the issues and emotions is to understand your finiteness and God's GREATNESS. To understand where we went wrong in treating his son or daughter. To understand how to love people when they are not ours. To learn to be a really good forgiver. To learn to humble ourselves and own up to our stupidity. To learn that no one we find will be perfect and expecting perfection is putting them in a place in your heart where only God belongs. To learn to treat someone like you want someone else to treat your future spouse.
Singleness
It's nothing to be afraid of. Some of us have convinced ourselves we will go crazy if our relationship status on facebook hits 'single'. If you are one of these people and you know it, stop it. You are using people to fill a void where they do not belong. But don't be scared, I have been here, and so have many other people. We are searching. We love those puppy love feelings, its kind of like a dare devil after an adrenaline fix. Here are some things we often don't factor in with the singleness phobia: 1) people have feelings. 2) people aren't perfect. 3) God may want me to be single for a while. 4) I have something personally or spiritually to work on in myself. 5) Just because that person has feelings for me doesn't mean they need me right now. 6) I am not the cure to all loneliness in the singles universe.
Seriously...visit any American middle school and see this for yourself.. it just gets more ridiculous as time goes on. There is a common misconception in our culture that if you are alone, that means you are alone for a reason. Either, you are weird, girls/guys don't like you, etc. This is only a misconception (not necessarily true). Singleness is a GIFT. It doesn't seem like it to us because we associate it with "loneliness" which is mostly due to hormones in the ages of 13-17(sometimes longer). Let's think logically for a sec. Let's think of the absolute BEST and Critically thought out reasons we should continually date, one relationship after another. 1) get to practice being a good significant other. 2) not lonely. 3) always have someone to spend money on for Valentines day. 4) always have a date to a dance/prom/movie. 5) get to know new people. If anything, these are probably some of the BEST answers for continual dating. Now lets tear these answers up. 1) are we REALLY going to use other people to "practice" being a good spouse. Using their emotions, and sometimes their bodies (in sin) which are NOT ours? Many guys tend to get over this pretty easily (not all) but for most girls and some guys this leaves serious emotional scaring, trust issues, and insecurity. Don't be this person. 2) this feeling of loneliness is often mistaken for idleness. We think just because we don't have something to do or somewhere to go we are lonely. We could be using this time to pray, read scripture, pray more, journal, fellowship with other believers, serve other people, etc. The good thing about being single is that you can take a year long mission trip to Africa and not be distracted by missing someone, your time can be devoted to God. (not saying that going to africa for a year without your spouse is bad, just really really tough). 3) really? You buy an oversized stuffed animal and a necklace and that is why you need to be in a relationship? where could that money go? to feed someone? My sponsored child's family in Haiti could really use a goat right now and I am whining because I need someone to spend my money on for the "holiday of Love"...if you don't see that huge gaping hole of ignorance there keep rereading until you understand. 4) I totally went to my senior prom dateless and I am living and breathing to tell the tale. It was still awesome. movies are still good even when you watch them by yourself. 5) If we want to get to know people..often the best time to do that is by serving them, praying for them, even if it's a complete stranger. We are not put on this earth to fall in love with a person, we are put on this earth to Know, Love, Obey, and Exalt Jesus Christ, married or single. It is by grace he allows us time to grow as a single person living for God. He opens our eyes to see his grace and his glory which in itself is grace. Grace upon grace upon grace upon grace upon GRACE.
consider this a reference for all singles out there. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lVK5N4A9R-E
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