A quick update

So I have been working on the blogging about my adventures in the jungle, but I have not had time to finish them (they are long with lots of stories) because....IM GETTING READY TO GO BACK!!!! WHOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Yall don't know how EXCITED I am. I leave exactly two weeks from today. Pray for me, for our team, for a safe trip, for the boys. Also pray that I survive this break because we have a lot of work to do for nursing school over the break and I really hope to get it all done. Also pray God give me peace about a decision I have been trying to make lately.

If I had a year to live...

This is a list of things I would want to do if I had knew I only had 1 year to live

-quit school immediately
-put together a feast and invite the poor
- give away all my things
- work to get enough money to buy a plane ticket to travel and spread the gospel
-love people like I have never experienced before
- serve people
-wash the feet of the poor
-learn to pray in different languages
-learn to preach the gospel in different languages
- worship God with people around the world
- take risks for Jesus and not look back
-cook for a whole village
- sleep on a concrete floor
- live out of a backpack
- pray over the sick
- worship on a rooftop
- walk the streets, praying for random people (prayer walk)
- fast, giving away all the food I would have eaten that day
- learn to live with Jesus not in a box
- go skydiving (just because)
-sing and dance with orphans
-swim with dolphins
-help at least one of my family members to go with me and see what I am seeing and experiencing
- neve use the words "I don't have time" again when asked to serve someone
- obtain a nickname
- celebrate Christmas with the poor
- watch the sunset
- take pictures and send them (and stories) to everyone I know
- go rock climbing
-hike up a mountain
- give away my last pair of shoes
- learn to french braid
- be one of those people who has to get an extra 10 pages on their passport
- not complain
-read the ENTIRE bible
- be able to teach women about Jesus and get them a bible in their translation
-sing from songs of Worship from a mountain top
- live for his name and his renown



the question that haunts me after a list like this is "what is stoping you from living this today?"

Bitterness, Singleness, and All the Grace In Between

Some lies we believe in the bitterness of a breakup... (Be prepared for grammatical errors that will make my senior english teacher scream!) 

1) Time will heal:
  
       In theory, this sounds good and seems to "work" most of the time...but let's examine what really happens. This also goes hand in hand with "If I ignore them for a long time, I'll be over them". Is time really healing you? Or are you just trying to let enough time pass to where so many new things happen to you that you have to really think to relive the events that lead to the break-up (be it bad or mutual). I am so guilty of this myself. And how silly of us to even set little time goals where we think "Okay...by 6 months from now, I will be over him/her and everything will be okay", and just to be honest, how many of us actually plan on earnestly seeking God through this set time? I could be wrong, but to me that sounds so prideful to say "okay, by this time next year, I will be all better and ready to date again" (which there are more things wrong with this statement that we will cover later), then after a year of distractions, realize none of the issues were solved by merely waiting in idleness. This may not be our intention, but it is as if we are saying "Ok God, I have set aside this much time to get over him/her, make it happen". May I state the reality that we are on GOD'S watch...not our own. I understand that some of our intentions are to really seek God through the bitterness,hurt, and anger..but if that is really our goal then it should not matter how much time that takes. Usually our goal behind the goal with a time limit is to get back out in the dating arena and give it another try. Our healing is in God's hands, not set on a timer.

2) If I say "I'm sorry" I will officially be over them:

      This is a good STEP in the right direction. May I be the one to point out that just because you say "I'm sorry" does not mean you have apologized. We train preschoolers to say the exact same phrase after punching a kid out on a playground for stealing their crayons, but do they understand the meaning? no. And sometimes we don't as well. If you are not ready to apologize, that is, if you are still holding on to bitterness for that person, do not even try to apologize. Also if your apology has the word "but" in it, you are not ready to apologize. Even if you are at a point where you can tell the other person this phrase, the other person may not be at a point where they want to hear it, especially if you chose to use this phrase. The simplicity and cliche-ness of "I'm sorry" doesn't mix well with a vat of boiling mixed emotions. [If you are a guy: saying you are sorry (and leaving it at that) 3 days after the break up sends signals to the girl that you have not had time to think and reflect on what happen, yet you just don't want to deal with any emotions and are trying to make quick amends to avoid internal conflict.] Your apology to that other person starts with humbling yourself before God. Bring all the anger, bitterness, and hurt with you because you'll need it to understand and have 1/100,000,000,000,000 of an empathetic thought of how God feels when we sin against him. All the "They don't deserve my forgiveness. They cheated. They lied. They manipulated me. They wanted me for the wrong reasons. They didn't appreciate me. They left me out in the cold. They completely faked their feelings for me. How can I forgive them? They are going to have to do something BIG to earn my forgiveness..they are going to have to PAY for me to even see them in a good light. Its going to take me a LONG time to trust them again. Its going to take me a LONG time to forgive them " yet what did God do? He sent us Jesus. We have done all of the above and more to sin against God (we are good at it), yet he says "No, its done. it's paid for." by sending his son Jesus Christ (who lived a sinless life) to die on the cross to pay the penalty for our sins. And by grace (undeserved favor) through faith (putting your trust and belief in Jesus Christ as your savior) his righteousness is imputed to us, we are forgiven and blameless in God's sight, and we live eternally to worship him, to the Glory of God alone. Forgiveness is not accepting an apology. It's recognizing you have been wronged and being willing to love that person passed their trespasses.I will be the first to admit that it is hard to forgive those we feel sinned against us, but until we understand, I mean really understand this reality of the gospel, it is nearly impossible if not all the way impossible to truly forgive. After this realization is when our apology begins to lengthen and we are able to humble ourselves before God and the other person and realized we are not the victim, but the transgressor. 

3) The goal of working through these issues is to be over that person so I can date again

         If this is your goal, stop dating. (just kidding!). But seriously, if this is the goal, what are we living for? What are we really after? Are we just wanting a spouse, thinking they are the other half that is everything good about us? That would be Jesus. Don't get me wrong here. I am not saying that wanting a spouse is wrong in any way. God wired you for it, its okay for men to want wives and for women to want husbands. I am saying though that our identity is in Christ, which means every single aspect about our lives including marriage should revolve around Christ. In the time we have where we are not committed to someone, that is our time God has blessed us to grow in our faith. If we are not earnestly seeking to know God, there is no sanctification.  If all we want is another shot at dating, especially with that cutie in class or at work, we are after the wrong thing. If we want a God glorifying marriage, then we have to understand we are just going to find someone by letting time past, drifting around. God is sovereign, he knows what a God glorifying marriage looks like, he knows WHEN to you are ready. (and its not when we are running around like a kid on halloween, dressed up like someone we are not saying "gimme gimme gimme").  The goal of working through the issues and emotions is to understand your finiteness and God's GREATNESS. To understand where we went wrong in treating his son or daughter. To understand how to love people when they are not ours. To learn to be a really good forgiver. To learn to humble ourselves and own up to our stupidity. To learn that no one we find will be perfect and expecting perfection is putting them in a place in your heart where only God belongs. To learn to treat someone like you want someone else to treat your future spouse. 


Singleness
        It's nothing to be afraid of. Some of us have convinced ourselves we will go crazy if our relationship status on facebook hits 'single'. If you are one of these people and you know it, stop it. You are using people to fill a void where they do not belong. But don't be scared, I have been here, and so have many other people. We are searching. We love those puppy love feelings, its kind of like a dare devil after an adrenaline fix. Here are some things we often don't factor in with the singleness phobia: 1) people have feelings. 2) people aren't perfect. 3) God may want me to be single for a while. 4) I have something personally or spiritually to work on in myself. 5) Just because that person has feelings for me doesn't mean they need me right now. 6) I am not the cure to all loneliness in the singles universe.
Seriously...visit any American middle school and see this for yourself.. it just gets more ridiculous as time goes on. There is a common misconception in our culture that if you are alone, that means you are alone for a reason. Either, you are weird, girls/guys don't like you, etc. This is only a misconception (not necessarily true). Singleness is a GIFT. It doesn't seem like it to us because we associate it with "loneliness" which is mostly due to hormones in the ages of 13-17(sometimes longer). Let's think logically for a sec. Let's think of the absolute BEST and Critically thought out reasons we should continually date, one relationship after another. 1) get to practice being a good significant other. 2) not lonely. 3) always have someone to spend money on for Valentines day. 4) always have a date to a dance/prom/movie. 5) get to know new people. If anything, these are probably some of the BEST answers for continual dating. Now lets tear these answers up. 1) are we REALLY going to use other people to "practice" being a good spouse. Using their emotions, and sometimes their bodies (in sin) which are NOT ours? Many guys tend to get over this pretty easily (not all) but for most girls and some guys this leaves serious emotional scaring, trust issues, and insecurity. Don't be this person. 2) this feeling of loneliness is often mistaken for idleness. We think just because we don't have something to do or somewhere to go we are lonely. We could be using this time to pray, read scripture, pray more, journal, fellowship with other believers, serve other people, etc. The good thing about being single is that you can take a year long mission trip to Africa and not be distracted by missing someone, your time can be devoted to God. (not saying that going to africa for a year without your spouse is bad, just really really tough).  3) really? You buy an oversized stuffed animal and a necklace and that is why you need to be in a relationship? where could that money go? to feed someone? My sponsored child's family in Haiti could really use a goat right now and I am whining because I need someone to spend my money on for the "holiday of Love"...if you don't see that huge gaping hole of ignorance there keep rereading until you understand. 4) I totally went to my senior prom dateless and I am living and breathing to tell the tale. It was still awesome.  movies are still good even when you watch them by yourself. 5) If we want to get to know people..often the best time to do that is by serving them, praying for them, even if it's a complete stranger.   We are not put on this earth to fall in love with a person, we are put on this earth to Know, Love, Obey, and Exalt Jesus Christ, married or single. It is by grace he allows us time to grow as a single person living for God. He opens our eyes to see his grace and his glory which in itself is grace. Grace upon grace upon  grace upon grace upon GRACE. 


consider this a reference for all singles out there. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lVK5N4A9R-E

Does it bother you?

I just have to ask....

In a society so self-centered, we don't understand what is out there. 
does it even bother you??...
that within 500 yards, at least 6 families are near us
yet we don't have the common courtesy to say "hi"
see how they are doing, ask how their son's cancer is.
does it bother you...
that our culture is becoming more and more afraid of
face to face communication
that we tell people to their face that we will talk about it later...via email/text message
I am not condemning these luxuries, as they are a blessing in many ways
but they are not a replacement for human presence
does it even bother you...
that you and I spend enough money on gas in 2 weeks to feed a family of 7 for 2 months
that our houses are not as big as Bill Gates's yet could fit many more homeless people in them on cold winter nights
that the food in our pantry can stock a soup kitchen
does it bother you...
that since the day we were born  our life has been planned out to fit the system of a culture that is person centered
that everyone follows a pattern that has been so planned out that modern psychology built theories on it
that this system has been so drilled in our minds that we made a board game out of it, with everyone ending up in the same place....retirement
does it bother you...
that the ultimate goal of our society is to get an education, work all your life so you can earn money to relax yourself to death when you are old
that our children are afraid to live out the life they are called because it's a disturbance in the system
that something MIGHT be done out of order or not done at all brings tears to their eyes and worry to their face
does it bother you...
that our dogs eat more than most children outside America do
that our closet is full of clothes that we may only wear once or twice
that our kids cry because they are given the wrong flavor of ice cream while other children have never seen ice cream
does it bother you...
that we go to the doctor for a cold when many can't afford to go to the doctor for cancer
that we gladly drink water from we have available in our HOUSE while many walk miles to get water that may make them sick or kill them
that we live within 2 minutes driving distance of a store yet we chose to drive
does it bother you...
that the need of others is exposed, revealing their hurt, brokenness, stories from their personal lives and all we do is critique it and criticize 
that we are more likely to correct someone on secondary issues in their theology before we are to help them watch their kids while they go visit their mother in the hospital
that when we are challenged to help people, we mock and nit pick the challenger, missing the point completely
does it bother you...
that we can get what ever kind of food we want, when we want it, and how we want it cooked
that the cost of this computer I am blogging on could build a house for a family
that we are afraid to live, to love, to surrender 
does it bother you...
that people are more concerned with exposing a particular presidential candidate than exposing the people who put their sisters into sex slavery
that we don't care enough
that we are so caught up in our lives, our time, our money, that we don't see nor understand that none of it is ours
does it bother you...
that we are afraid to not get the applause
that we are afraid to live for a greater purpose, something bigger than ourselves
that most people don't realize their own selfishness
does it bother you...
that our parents have spent their whole life searching and chasing yet STILL don't know what this life has to offer
that our parents are indeed not the best source of wisdom and guidance 
that when they day is over, you lay your head on a pillow while millions other lay their heads on dust
does it bother you...
that your children may grow up and fall into the same cycle, chasing dreams and things that will never satisfy 
that nothing we do will ever matter if it isn't about loving God or loving his people
that with this system we have deemed a route to success is indeed a waste of our lives
does it bother you...
that it DOES bother you, yet you chose to do nothing about it
that we continue to go to church every sunday, talk about living radically, yet are too afraid to leave the system to live it out
that you may go through life and never know what it is like to live and love radically

does it even bother you?? 
I just had to ask. 


If you read this as a personal good deed check off list, you don't get it. It's not about what we do. It's about who we trust in.

God Don't Owe Us Anything pt 4

It was nice to rest...But its even nicer to get up!!

     The Lord blessed us in that no cockroaches bothered us in our sleep (that we know about). One teammate on the other hand, was not so blessed. He had one fall on his face in the middle of the night!! He woke up and had them crawling in his peanut butter crackers he brought. These are not little bitty roaches..these are JUNGLE roaches! They are big-FAT-make-your-skin-crawl roaches!! But that is just part of the deal! Lovely I know... 

Onward to Work...sort of. 

We ate our breakfast and got ready just like the day before. Extra bug spray today. It rained again last night and was still raining this morning!! Today was the day we were suppose to spread the grass seed for the boys' soccer field, the most important element of the home (kidding!). We looked out from our breakfast room at the land... oh boy. Tyler went to go check but we could even see with our eyes that it was going to be WAAAYY too muddy to work. Kristen stood and announced that it would be fine and that we would spend the morning praying for the boys. We broke off into groups and spread out all over the lodge. This really opened out eyes to the need, the goal of Not Forgotten. It opened our eyes to see that our peruvian brothers needed our prayers, our time, and most of all needed Christ. We were able to see how much love Christ has for us and how much love we have for the boys because we want to worship and honor God alongside with them.  We want them to grow up and be Godly men and impact their city in a way it has never been impacted before. 

Okay...now its time for PHYSICAL work!
YAY! the rain stopped and it was time to get out there and get as much as we could done! We grabbed our water bottles and headed out to the land. When we got there, we saw about 2 or 3 giant piles of damp soil that we were suppose to spread. we had about 3 wheel barrels going down a slippery hill to dump on the soccer field and some people were falling and our method was not getting much done. As americans, we always liked the assembly line idea, so this is what we did: We had many buckets being filled with dirt and passed back and forth and at the same time had someone wheeling a wheel barrel of dirt to be spread. I was a spreader. A bulldozer moved some of the dirt closer to the field so we wouldn't have to travel so far, but it was beginning to get stuck in the mud, so it could not go any further. We did as much as we could before it was time to shower, eat and get ready to see the boys again. We got about 1/4 of the field done. My back was killing me, but little did I know, it wasn't as much muscular pain as the lovely pain associated with a Kidney infection ( I would later find this out when I got back to the states). 

An Evening in the city...
Other than the French market in New Orleans, I have never been to a market before. This was the real deal. I loved it. We looked around the small stands filled with nic nacs and all sorts of stuff. There was a tarantula framed in a picture. I told the lady working the stand " No me gusta tarantula. ahhh!" (I don't like tarantulas. AHH!) and she laughed and smiled and showed me the framed giant moth they had. I smiled and said "Bonita, pero no gracias. Me gusta estos braceletes" (pretty, but no thank you. I like these bracelets). She showed me and told me how much they cost and i bought one or two. I love bracelets. We were here to kill time before going to the boy's center. I came across this booth where a man painted and sold his paintings. He was VERY good. My little sister is also a very talented artist. I knew she would love something like this. I bought her a painting of the river for 10 soles.  We just walked around for the next half hour. We showed up at this lady's store where she was selling some headbands. We asked how much they cost and commented that they were very pretty. She let us try them on and laughed and smiled at us enjoying ourselves. She told us we looked pretty, and we bought the headbands. I left my sunglasses on the table and walked out of the store un knowingly leaving them. She tried to call me back but I did not hear. A few moments later I realized I left them, she met me halfway as I was returning back and gave me my sunglasses. The lady was very very sweet and so full of joy. 

     We all met back near the bus and got ready to go into the city to another market. We all took  a group picture some on the bus some standing outside the bus. Then we loaded up and headed into the city. We got off at a street corner and immediately drew attention. We were instructed not to give money to the beggar children, but if we had any extra food or water, give that to them. Immediately, the cutest little boy and his baby brother ran up to us and tried to sell us popcorn. I had left my water on the bus that I wanted to give away. Men whistled at us and called us pretty. we just kept walking. We walked to this place where you can look out and see the amazon river. It was beautiful. After taking pictures, we walked to the Amazon market. We looked in all the neat little shops. It was here that I found a tshirt for my niece, Kiley. I was trying to get all the gifts for my family right now and keep them small because there would be no room for them in my backpack. 
  We ate at this place that served american diner food, only in my opinion they do it better in peru. the diner was open and people could walk in because there were no doors. The children came back begging to buy popcorn again. some teammates sitting close to the street gave them some food. We attracted some other people as well. When we were finished it was finally time to see the boys for the last time before we went into the jungle. 
   ...Wait..you were coming?

so we arrived at the boys center...and they totally didn't know we were coming. They were shocked and most of them just getting home from school. We all spent that night making bracelets, playing games and such just as we usually did. It was great. I got to know some other boys. We also played charades and joked around. It was great fun. 
   After we left, it really hit Dominique and I that we were not going to get to see them again for a long time, and so we cried on the bus ride home. We listened to music to try to stop crying, but we were silent in our thoughts. Everyone was a little bit quieter at the hotel that night. Most talk was about how we were going to miss the boys so much. Some tried to get it off their minds and look forward to going to the jungle the next day. 
    I got my things packed (well, whatever was laying out that could be packed). So far, no cockroaches were in my bag and I wanted it to stay that way. As I was getting ready for bed, I was reflecting on our time with the boys that night and what we prayed for that morning. It was then when everything started to click. I started to understand and long for these boys to KNOW Christ and to grow up as Godly men. 

Stop watching life, and live life

I am guilty of being an observer....

Most people say I am quiet; that they never hear much from me. The truth is I'm not shy, I am just watching. I love to watch people's behaviors, how they react to things, what they do. I am constantly assessing people. Not to say I am constantly negatively judging people, because I am not, I'm just trying to figure them out. I do not necessarily pay attention to words because actions speak louder. You may say that if you won the lottery, you would give it all to charity, but if 28 million dollars ended up in your bank account tomorrow, we will only know if you meant what you said by what you do. 
   I always try to critically think through my options. If they are wise decisions or not, if they are a "safe move", if it is a realistic goal are things I consider. But have you ever thought of this as sin?  Up until recently I have not. You see sometimes by observing, I miss out on what is going on around me. I am too busy watching other people and trying to analyze the excitement going on around me that I do not even participate. 
    The thought just hit me the other day to stop analyzing other people's behavior and enjoy the people, enjoy the setting, and enjoy God. He puts me in a place of rejoicing and excitement and what do I do? I watch other people celebrate and be happy. Not saying that this curiosity is wrong, but I am just trying to stress that enjoying others and celebrating with them is a gift. When we do that, we think "My great God! he is so wonderful, he has all of us connected here together and we are full of heart-felt joy for knowing each other and knowing you -individually and collectively!" The enjoying of people should lead to the enjoying of God who created those people. So I urge myself and others like myself...to live in the joy of today, in worship of the creator, and stop watching it. 

God Don't Owe Us Anything, Ya Dig? Pt 3

        Work day 1: Breakfast-
It was 8 am and time to get going!! We got up, got our work clothes on, sprayed on more DEET and headed to breakfast. Peruvian breakfast is very similar to American breakfast. Eggs, toast, jelly, bacon, and...coffeeeeeee!!! The coffee was THE BEST coffee ever. If you ever drink coffee from Peru, it is a true worship experience. It was very strong, so if you don't like that, like me, you have to put more sugar in the coffee than coffee mix (it was peruvian instant coffee). Tyler, Kristen, and Allison explained a little bit of what we would be doing that morning while at the table. After we ate, we gathered our work gear and headed out to the site.
      Time to get down and dirty!!
and we did just that! Before we left, we were all looking to fill up our water bottles so we would have water to drink. It had not arrived. I knew we were just going to buy water from the lodge or something, but I was so use to just going to the fossett and getting some water at whatever temperature I desired that this was a shock to me. Kristen and allison bought us 3 large bottles of water to fill up the cooler so everyone could get some water from it. We all only filled out bottles about 1/2 way so that we were sure the whole team got some. Down at the work site there was a big pile of wood posts laying on the ground and muddy from the rain that we were suppose to work with that day. We were to clean them off and sand them down as much as possible, then they were to be painted on all sides with tar. With 2 people working on one post at a time, this took a while, but was quite fun. I wore a tie dye shirt that I loved...needless to say, it is not wearable anymore haha. But I'll take it with me when I am doing dirty work in the future! we all hung our water bottles on a tree as if they were ornaments. The water finally arrived just in time for a break. We were making pretty good progress, though all we were doing was cleaning posts of wood and sanding them, then covering them with tar. It took us all afternoon to finish that job (there were many posts), but it was finally complete. We were to go back to the lodge, shower, and get ready to go to to the center to see the boys. Again, it took us a while to shower. The bus was due to pick us up at 6. We Americans do not notice, but we are freaks about being on time. If we are 10 min late, that is understandable, but anything after 30 min is absurd to us. In South American countries, the bus could be 2 hours late and it not be a big deal. It wasn't late and we got on the bus to go to the center in the city.

        We were having dinner with the boys and were so excited! when we got there, dinner was almost ready. We talked a little bit and played a game of UNO and then it was time to eat. we all picked a table and sat down. One boy from each table was to get everyone at the table's food and drink.  We all ate, and whatever we didn't eat, the boys gladly took care of it for us haha just like any other teenage boy. After dinner, we played games. We played UNO, some played soccer, some put together puzzles (they like that), some made bracelets, and some played charades. I played Uno with some of the boys. Then I went to see if Luiz or Mario would show me how to make a bracelet. They tried to teach me...but my spanish skills were not that good. Also I did not understand his demonstration. Luiz and mario called me and a girl on my team Loca(crazy) and made our bracelets for us. Julio Cesar came over as well and make me a bracelet and a ring(from the leftover string).Soon it was time to say our hasta luegos (see you laters). It was so much fun being with the boys. We got on the bus and headed back to the lodge. We were tired but filled with so much joy! Walking up the driveway to the hotel, we saw a giant toad, probably as big as a pro football and a beetle the size of a baseball!! Pretty much take any bug you would see in the woods in America and make it 5X the size and you got jungle bugs. We all brushed our teeth and went to bed (spraying on bug spray of course- we don't play).

God Don't Owe Us Anything. Ya dig? Pt 2

We walked out of the airport and onto the bus that was going to take us 45 min outside the city to our hotel. The parking lot of the airport looked like the one of a small airport maybe in a city in florida or something, but outside those gates was a whole new world. Our bus pulled out to the streets and motorcyclists and motorchariots are zipping by driving anywhere they can. I was nervous to see how we were going to get out onto the road because they never seemed to stop coming. Finally we start pulling out and I thought we were surely going to hit someone, but all the motocycles and chariots just zipped right around us. I also picked up very quickly that when people honk their horns in America, they are angry or trying to warn someone, while in peru they honk to let them know they are passing someone. I saw no cars. Just buses that looked about 30 or 40 years old and JAMMED PACKED with people, and motorcycles and motorchariots. You get up close and personal on a bus. I sat beside the three kids of the family of 5 that went with us on the trip. They came here a few days before we did to explore Machu Pichu and a few other breath-taking places. I was holding onto my backpack for dear life. Our driver was driving on whatever side of the road he wanted and was going very fast on curvy roads, I was sure we were going to crash. The girl beside me saw I was nervous and said "Don't worry, they never crash. We went to Machu Pichu and I thought we were going to die. We were driving like this only on the side of a mountain on a narrow road. " I was relieved some. I took out my iPhone and began to film our ride to the hotel, not because I wanted to make a sad video out of it, but because I wanted to remember what I saw. I didn't want to forget this moment I was in. I was experiencing culture shock at the time and did not know what to think, so I recorded it to remember later.

 Not Forgotten's Land

    We arrived at the Hotel 45min later, got off the bus, and waited for the truck to get there with our luggage. At the hotel, there was a pool, and all the roofs were thatch roofs, but wooden roofs in the rooms. We waited at the gazebo/ outdoor eating area. There was a flatscreen TV out there to watch soccer. The hotel was RIGHT beside Not Forgotten's (organization I went with) new land. It had just been cleared off with bulldozers the week before we came. It was beautiful. As I looked out over the land, this sense of hope came to my mind that comforted me of whatever was in store for the rest of the week. The luggage truck finally got there and we were assigned our rooms. I roomed with Christie and Jenna. There was no air conditioner for those wondering. We were lucky, we had 2 fans in our room. The beds were dressed in orange comforters and white sheets. The floor was tile with a few rugs near the beds. We had this big wardrobe thing that looked like the entrance to Narnia in the corner of the room. We let another team member put her big bag of gifts for the boys in the wardrobe.  Kristen came in and informed us that after we finished putting our things, we were to return back to the gazebo. I noticed some cockroaches crawling around on the walkway and knew they would be in our rooms. After I sprayed on some mosquito repellent, I put my suitcase up on my bed and MADE SURE it was closed shut. I did the same with my backpack and purse. I walked down to the gazebo to meet up with the rest of the group. A group of Koreans were staying at the lodge as well. They were slightly loud and already eating (it was about 4 or 5 in the evening). Some others were staying at the hotel as well. There usually weren't that many people to stay at the lodge, but the day happened to be San Juan's day. It is a holiday to commemorate Saint John , but kinda seemed like marti gras in a way. The legend is that every night on San Juan, it rains. Kids were swimming in the pool and running everywhere. We were served dinner, chicken and rice, with these potato stick things..I really do not remember what they were called, they were not potatoes. I think they were plantains. Anyways, they were pretty good. They had a sauce that was suppose to go with them. I noticed people eating the peruvian mayonnaise with the rice...so I tried it. It was great! When we finished eating, the boys arrived and we were to go meet them. We small-talked for a while then we were all hearded to Not Forgotten's land.
     Kristen spoke to the boys in spanish telling them to introduce themselves by name and age. One of the boys knew english and introduced himself that way. We were glad to know SOMEONE knew what we were saying haha. We also introduced ourselves. Kristen, Tyler, and Allison (Leaders) then explained what work we would be doing on the land. Kristen and Allison noticed that the land was marked at Kilometer 49. This was a crazy God thing because Not Forgotten's scripture verse for the organization is Isaiah 49:15-16. We went back to the lodge to put on our swimsuits and get ready to go to the river/beach place. The boys came over on a smallish bus where some of them were standing up already...we decided to fit 25 more big Americans on that bus as well. In total, we probably had 40+ people on the small bus.. and 2 dogs.
    * At this time I would like to correct myself. In a previous post I wrote before going on the trip, I referred to the boys as "street boys". I do not like this term for several reasons. One being that these precious boys do not belong to the street, they belong to Christ. Not all of them were abandoned on the street by themselves. Many have stories just like to mine and yours. Some may come from divorced parents, some in an abusive home, much like our stories. We aren't to look at them and take pity and feel sorry for them, we are to embrace their reality and share and show the love of Christ. We are their brothers and sisters in Christ, and having compassion for our brothers is different then taking pity. Compassion shows true love and caring for someone, serving them with only the intention of their benefit. Pity shows a temporary emotional obligation. This is about people. This is real life, with real people, real stories, and a real powerful God.

      We arrived at the beach/river. Music was playing loudly, and we were ready to have some fun with the boys! we all unpacked from the bus (even the dogs) and walked a long tall bridge to the main area where there was a restaurant with a live music performance. we walked to the other side of that area and walked down the stairs, passed the volleyball place and to some benches where we could set our things to go swim in the river. I sat my things down, got my camera out of my bag and began to film. I did not want to forget this scene. It was fabulous. The music, the sun, the beautiful scenery, it was magnificent. Me and some other team members got in the water, it was slightly chilly. At first we were a little scared because we didn't know what creatures were in the water besides fish (anaconda). Then we began playing with some of the local children near by. Their parents layed on the beach and laughed as they watched their children splash the americans. We had so much fun! we took water balloons with us hoping to fill them up and ambush the boys, but there were no places to do that, so we manually filled up some water balloons and played with them in the water. One game we played with some little girls was" find the balloon in the deep muddy water" We would throw it in the water and wait for it to pop up to the surface and hurry up to get it. Some of our team members raced the boys across the river and stayed on the bank and explored and took pictures. We stayed in the water for about 45 min then I was done with the water like most of the boys. I went to hang out with a couple people from the team and a few boys. Soon it was time to go because the boys had school the next day and could not stay out too late. We walked the long bridge again and piled back on to the bus (even the two dogs). They dropped us off at our lodge and said goodbye.

         When we arrived at the lodge, it was time to get a shower and get ready for devotional. Mind you, there was one female shower and one male shower. The married couples got their own rooms with their own showers. In the main building was where everyone else was. There were 15 girls and 4 guys. This took a while. After washing the mosquito repellent off, we put it right back on after the shower. The humidity was so high, our devotional papers were soggy. They felt like they had been dropped in the pool and were almost dry. I don't know why but I just found that hilarious. We met up for devotional. Tyler and Allison gave us a history about how Not Forgotten got started. We went over our bible lesson and how it related to what we were doing there and how God is working in Peru. After that we went to SLEEP!! After not much sleep, we were so excited about this. I pulled back my covers, checking for cockroaches (we were clear), and covered my pillow up with the airplane blanket (in case of lice-you never know) and got ready for bed. Just incase I did not have enough DEET on, I sprayed more, and the other girls in my room did the same-we didn't play around. About the time we were about to turn the lights off we hear glass break and a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot. We ran outside the room and the ladies across the hall had broken the window. They were 3 ladies on our team (who called themselves the geriatric wing because they were older,but not old, women on the team) and they tried to open their window and it was stuck. So they tried to pull it really hard and it broke. I got a little scared since we knew the guy that owned this place was a Big guy that was guarded by armed men at all times, and who liked his space. But tyler assured us everything was okay, so we went back to bed.

God don't owe us anything. Ya dig? pt 1

I feel like in America, we are raised with this sense of self entitlement. We grow up with so many opportunities and so many people telling us that we can be anything we want to be and do anything we want to do that we very much forget that we are not owed ANYTHING. In the land of the free, we like to think we have rights, but we are not owed rights at all. There is a line in Lecrae's song "Boasting" that says "God has never been obligated to give us life. If we fought for our rights, we'd be in hell tonight". This is absolutely true, and I know this is going to seem like blasphemy in a post-modern country, but we honestly think that we are OWED and DUE an education, a good paying job, wife/husband and kids, nice house, a family dog, and then a nice fat 401K for when we retire so we can literally relax ourselves to death. This is NUTS! Anyone reading this blog that remembers choosing to be born to an American family, the color of your skin, and the economic status of your family, please raise your hand. Nobody? I didn't think so. This reminds me very much of Romans 9.


though they were not yet born and had done nothing either good or bad—in order that God's purpose of election might continue, not because of works but because of him who calls—she was told, “The older will serve the younger.” As it is written, “Jacob I loved, but Esau I hated.”
What shall we say then? Is there injustice on God's part? By no means! For he says to Moses, “I will have mercy on whom I have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I have compassion.” So then it depends not on human will or exertion, but on God, who has mercy. For the Scripture says to Pharaoh, “For this very purpose I have raised you up, that I might show my power in you, and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth.” So then he has mercy on whomever he wills, and he hardens whomever he wills.

(Romans 9:11-18 ESV)

Now, I am not saying he calls those who are rich and well off, because God calls whoever he wants to call. He calls the poorest of the poor. I am just saying he, for some reason, allowed us to live in a land of opportunity and we have the audacity to feel entitled to it, as if we did something to deserve it. The reason I am saying all of this is because it suddenly hit me when I had went to Peru that I did not even deserve the conditions I was living in there. Even me sleeping with cockroaches in my bed and poisonous spiders 10 inches above my face was grace upon grace. Let me tell you a summary of what happened on the trip.

First of all, it had been about 12 years since I last had flown on an airplane. I was so nervous!! We flew out of Huntsville to Atlanta and made it just fine. On the flight from Atlanta to Lima, Peru was a Different story. I took my seat beside an 8 year old hispanic girl traveling by herself to go meet her Abuela (grandmother) in Lima. Her name was Stephanie and she was adorable! She pretty muched talked for 4 hours of the 6 hour flight. She told me about her parents being separated and how her best friend once stole her cat and hid it  in her closet. The flight attendants were there to help stephanie with anything she needed. On the way to Lima, we were flying through a tropical storm and hit some turbulence. I explained to stephanie that she could not get up until the seat belt sign was off (plus it was way too rough for her to be standing up). Other people were standing up on the plane and going to the bathroom and stephanie asked why they were standing when the seatbelt sign was on. I told her I did not know, in which she replied "they must not care about the law". After about 20 minutes of mild turbulence, our plane dropped. People hit the floor, carry on luggage was falling out of the holders, and flight attendants went scrambling. They announced over the intercom for everyone to sit down and buckle up. The captain came over the intercom and told us that we would be experiencing turbulence for the next couple of hours. Luckily after that, it was not nearly as bad and began to look beautiful as we passed through the storm.

We landed in peru and proceeded to security. This was so strange. There were men with dogs walking around trying to smell for drugs. One of our team members was carrying grass seed to spread over the boy's soccer field, and it was in a clear bag and looked like an illegal drug substance that would be taken away. The way the system worked, was you walk up to this button and press it and if the light turns green, you can go, but if it turns red, you have to stop and be searched. The button was completely random selection. The girl with the grass seed got a red light. The men saw nothing wrong with the bag and allowed her to move along. we moved towards out sleeping quarters. There was a section of the airport near the food court where people were sleeping. We slept with our bags touching us. This was painful. I had been taking 12-16 ibuprophen a day because my back was having very very bad pain to where I would not be able to move if I did not take the medicine. Needless to say, the floor was not comfortable and there was no sleep that night. My first experience using a bathroom in south America was interesting. I literally had to tell myself "trash trash trash trash trash" the whole time to remind myself that peruvian plumbing systems cannot handle toilet paper. This is grace.

it was 5am and time to get going! Our flight to Iquitos was on a smaller plane but still a very beautiful and smooth ride compared to the last one. I felt like we were on a secret mission at this point because we had to get on this bus thing to get to the plane, then we board and we fly to this one city but we are told to not get off, then we fly again and get to Iquitos where we are not suppose to let anyone help us with our luggage except the people they tell us are okay. The airport was sort of open, there was air conditioning in the waiting den. It was not too hot because it was "winter" there (around mid 80s all week). We finally walk outside and see Kristen with Gene and his son and Tyler and Allison waiting for us. They cheered as we walked out, so excited to see that we got there. We boarded a bus and I got ready to see things I had never seen before.

Chick-Fil-A Crisis

I do plan to blog about my trip to Peru, but I felt like this needed to be addressed. Before I begin, I want you to know where I am coming from. I have family members very close to me who are gay. Though we have differing views, I would do ANYTHING at all for them because I love them very much and nothing will change that. I don't constantly nag at them and tell them to read their bible, our relationship isn't anything like that. Also, I do support the family values of Chick-Fil-A, though I grew up in a broken home where my real parents divorced when I was 8 years old. I also go to starbucks.

OK! now that you see where I am coming from, we can begin.
        First off, I want to emphasize that Chick-fil-a serves FOOD. Once again, THEY SERVE FOOD!!! They do not deny service to anyone, not atheists, blondes, homosexuals, alcoholics, catholics, satanists, nobody. Unless you know the people who work their personally, the ONLY thing that the person working the cashier knows about you is what you want to eat or drink. Thats it! They do not to a personal background check before handing you a chicken sandwich. Also, people with the tolerance movement are surely being irrational, accusing Chick-fil-a of being intolerant. When was the last time Chick-Fil-A denied anyone service because of personal background, lifestyle choices, beliefs, etc? Never. If anyone is being intolerant, it is the people who are raging about this issue and slandering Chick-Fil-A for information that they barely know about. But maybe I'm wrong, boycotting is tolerant, right? Okay, so we get it? In any given Chick-Fil-A, they are just serving you food. Right, lets move on.
          Secondly, I realize Chick-Fil-A is run by a Christian family who does try to operate their business in a biblical way. No matter how you flip this, no one is going to be happy about this. You have people who say "Well, you shouldn't bring religion into a business, they are just serving food for goodness sake!". And if they did not operate in a biblical manor, you will have people who say "Well I know the family that operates it claim to be Christian but they are just like any other fast food chain. If they believe the bible they should run their business like they believe it!". Chick-Fil-A is a family run and family focused restaurant. There is nothing wrong with that. I don't think when the business first opened, they had people outraging saying "HOW DARE THESE PEOPLE!! focussing on family... I REFUSE to eat here!!". Really? How silly is that. The media has really over exaggerated the organizations
 Chick-Fil-A donates to (The media? over exaggerate?? nooo. shocking I know..). The two "Anti-Gay" organizations that they refer to that Chick-Fil-A donates to regularly are called Focus on the Family and Fellowship of Christian Athletes. Nowhere in any of the titles of those organizations to they demean, oppress, or dehumanize homosexuals. The purpose of these organizations are not to be against homosexuality. The media wanted to stir up controversy by finding something the organizations do not agree with and publishing it out for everyone to see. You see memes and pictures of people mad about how The President gets slandered, and even one picture showed Obama drinking a coke with a caption that said "Headline News: Obama HATES Pepsi!". Do you see a correlation here? People have known for years that Chick-Fil-A is a business that incorporates Christian values in how they run their business. It's obvious, because when you show up on Sunday you are not getting any chicken. Focus on Family is not an organization out to hate homosexuals and tell them they cannot have a family. It's an organization that is made to help Christian families thrive by giving them help and resources. They also help marriages to thrive and be healthy by reflecting what God designed as marriage (NOT meaning that they are trying to strike at homosexuals by saying that, but they are just taking what the bible says about marriage, how to love  and serve one another and God). They are doing their own thing, they are not trying to strike at homosexuals. Just like when Obama was drinking a coke, he was not trying to strike at pepsi. Fellowship of Christian Athletes is an organization for christian athletes. It holds Christian values and teaches athletes how to play the sport for the glory of God. Yes people, Christian organizations probably do not agree with homosexuality...nor alcoholism,nor drug abuse, prostitution, nor child abduction, nor child molestation, nor terrorism, nor bullying (even of homosexuals. I know Christians have been known to bully especially homosexuals, but this is not right, nor is it biblical in ANY way). But keep in mind, they are CHRISTIAN organizations...if they did not hold Christian values, they would be hypocrites. Is the ridiculousness of the media coverage making any sense now?
        Lastly, Chick-Fil-A treats ALL their customers with the same amount of respect. They don't have a Christian radar when you walk in the front door and automatically know who is a Christian and who is not, and thus treat the Christians better. They treat everyone equally and do not show favor to anyone. They just want to do their job, give you good service and good food. I understand Chick-fil-a sponsored a traditional marriage conference, and people are in an uproar about this. But seriously, what do you think went on? Do you think people sat around at the conference looking at their marriage and saying "Praise the Lord I am not homosexual! I thank God that I am a man that married a woman!!". Seriously? No. It was just a conference about what a biblical and healthy marriage is. In no way is Chick-Fil-A out to attack homosexuals. They also supported a therapy that was to help people who are homosexuals of their hurts,habits, and hangups. No one FORCED these people to attend this therapy. And I have heard that therapy is not so good for homosexuals then I have heard that is does good, and I suppose it is mostly personal preference or how the program goes about their therapy, but either way, they were just trying to support an organization to help those hurting from homosexuality. They weren't trying to force them to be strait or "cast out the gay demon in them", just honestly help people. People are people no matter what they struggle with or what they believe, and I strongly believe the family that runs Chick-Fil-A sees that. Ultimately I think the media is trying to stir up controversy by making Chick-Fil-A look like the Westboro Baptist Church. I dare ANYONE to walk into a Chick-Fil-A restaurant and see if they are not treated like everyone else. Video tape it if you must. Also if you are reading this and you have struggled with homosexuality or know someone who has, this guy named Matt Moore has an AMAZING blog that is definitely worth checking out ( Moorematt.com) . Also for the ladies who struggle or know someone who struggles or just ladies in general, a good place to fellowship is vanitysuxx.com

Again, Chick-Fil-A serves Food.. and good food at that.

I'm Going to Peru!!

Ok, so I have big news that I have not told many people. I'M GOING TO PERU!!

This will be my first Mission trip. We are going with an organization called Not Forgotten that helps street boys in Iquitos,Peru. These boys have been forced to live in the streets due to poverty. When a family gets too poor to support their children, they tell the oldest boy (who can be as young as 6 years old) to go live on the streets and not come back. Street boys are considered the lowest being. Its not uncommon to hear about a street boy being killed in broad daylight because he was annoying someone or someone just didn't think he needed to be around. As a result of this danger, streets boys find a place to hide as long as they can until they have to come out for food. They have two options to obtain food. 1) steal. If they are caught steeling, they are taken to jail and treated cruelly by police. This punishment can be anything from letting hungry guard dogs bite them or wetting them with water and shocking them with electric wires. 2) sell the only thing they have: their body. The boys are usually scared of the police because they know the punishment, so they are forced to prostitute their bodies. What Not Forgotten has done is built homes for these boys to live, and they are allowed to eat 3 meals a day and go to school. While I am down there, we will be building a new home for the boys. We will also be doing english and Bible classes with the boys. And most importantly spreading the gospel of Jesus Christ.

Just to clarify, I'm not telling you this because I want you to think I am a good person or a selfless person (I think I disproved that well in the last blog) or just an absolute saint because I am giving up 10 days to go to peru, but I am telling you because I would really appreciate prayers.

1. pray for safety on this trip
- we will be in the Amazon Jungle. we are taking 2 planes and a boat to get to our destination.
2. Pray that God make me and the team humble servants.
- we are there to serve in the name if Jesus. pray that we carry his name well.
3. Pray that God prepare us mentally,physically,emotionally, and spiritually for this trip
4. Pray that God open our eyes to realize what is important-investing time in these boys and making disciples.
5. Pray for these boys, that their lives continue to change.

Consequences of Pride and Blessings of Humility

So I have officially finished my freshman year of college. It has been a long time coming. Over the past year, I have come to be way more appreciative for what I have and to be more cautious and discerning. Looking back just one year ago, I cannot believe what a selfish high school brat I was. I EXPECTED to go to a university with some sort of scholarship and my parents paying the rest. I wanted to get out and live on my own. I wanted to get away from Decatur,AL. And the exact opposite happened.

After the summer, I attended Calhoun Community College (the college in Decatur-which I had refused to go to during my senior year and was completely upset about attending). No scholarship. I lived with my parents, in the same room I have been in for the past 10 years. I actually remember crying over this, which the next day I thought "why on earth was I crying?".

The first semester, I got over my grumbling about going to the hometown community college knowing that I had friends that were attending as well. As the semester progressed, I made friends with the older people (most 30 and older) in my classes. I clung to the older people, because that is who I was most comfortable with. Most of them thought I was in my 20s and were shocked to know I was only 19. Anatomy was my favorite class because I was a minority. I was one of the youngest in my class. More that 80% of that class was over the age of 25.- You see, since I was about 14, I have always enjoyed the company of older people. My cousin, Zach (who was much older than me), played a huge role in that. I looked up to him so much. When I was in 7th or 8th grade I would tell him about what we were learning and he would just tell me how smart I was and really encourage me to learn more and mature more in my thinking. He told me something that I never forgot. We were driving in the car and I was complaining about how unfair my parents were and he told me "Maisey,honestly, if you think about it, you have to do what your parents say. Hear me out. If you do what they say, with no complaints, no attitude, and no disobedience, you earn their respect, therefore later on they let you do what you want to do. Say you want to go out and they say no. Don't give them an attitude and don't argue, just say 'okay' and leave it at that. They will see how maturely you handled it and will see you as responsible enough to go out later on when you want to do so". From then on, I never got in trouble with my parents. I got to do pretty much anything I wanted my senior year (without breaking any rules). -But anyways, I believe he is mostly the reason I like being with older people, because he helped me mature at a young age. These people in my classes would talk to me (Me, a 19 year old girl) about their life problems. It really opened my eyes to see that adulthood does NOT get easier.

I started to see how staying at home was not a bad idea. I got to keep going to my church, which I love,  saved thousands of dollars on the same degree I would get from somewhere else, and got to interact in the lives of other people I wouldn't have met otherwise.

I was not only immature in that I expected quality education handed to me on a silver platter because I "deserved it", but I was also immature in my relationships. I had not been in a relationship since the 9th grade. I began having a relationship with this boy (whose name will not be mentioned). He gave me so much attention and praise that I could not pass him up. He praised me for being the most Godly girl he knew in his life, being pretty, and being pure. I did not like it at first, and kind of pushed the compliments aside, but the more they kept coming, the more I absorbed them like a sponge. My heart filled with pride, and I perceived myself as precious. I began to believe I was and lived this image he perceived me to be, instead of a fallen sinner. This boy was stereotyped for the way he looked, but was actually a Christian. We talked over the summer and kept up with each other everyday, but decided not to date long distance (since I was staying with my dad in Gulfport). When I got home, we began dating. I knew that dating was for the soul purpose of marriage and that if I wasn't ready to marry, then I shouldn't date. I was not ready to marry, period, but went along with his sweet way of words. We saw each other often during the 3 weeks we had before he left for bible college. When he left, we relied on technology to communicate-bad idea. You cannot rely on technology to keep a relationship, it just doesn't work. You need that person's physical presence. Skype signal was not so good in his dorm, so we did not do that often. More times than not, one of us was in a setting where we were unable to talk on the phone, so we relied on texting and facebook as our main source of communication- again, REALLY BAD IDEA. We saw each other a few times during our first few months together. At home, I had another guy friend that I would hang out with. He liked some of the same things that my boyfriend liked and so I thought it was a perfect guy to hang out with and not have my boyfriend worry or be jealous. It soon came down to that, but not because of my boyfriend, because of me. See, I had a slight attraction to this guy friend, not as much as my boyfriend though. I saw the value of our friendship more than anything. He was a faithful friend. He was very nice, would compliment me, and share things about his life that he trusted me with. At this point is where I began to see this boy as attractive. He knew I had a boyfriend and was worried about his concern of our friendship, but I told him that my boyfriend knew that we were just friends. Before you jump to any conclusions, nothing ever happened between me and this boy. Nothing was ever mentioned of us being more than friends, no physical expression more than a friendly hug, anything that happened was all mental. This attraction only lasted a couple weeks-the last couple weeks of my relationship. I knew hanging out with my friend was not right because it may lead to me liking him similar to how I like my boyfriend, but I kept reminding myself that we were just friends, nothing would ever happen, and that it was okay for us to be friends. My boyfriend was far away, only communicating through text, while my friend was here and available to talk anytime I needed him. Just so we are clear, I was not attracted to my friend in a sexual way (incase you got that idea), it was more of an attention void that he filled in the absence of my boyfriend. My boyfriend picked up that something wasn't right at home and it had to do with my guy friend, but I continually denied it. I acted like my boyfriend was being irrational, making these audacious claims out of jealousy, when all along he was spot on right (for the most part). He thought more had happened when it did not. Needless to day, we broke up around October. This was not the end of my immature relationship.

November 4,2011 was the day that my baby niece was born! She is not my real niece, but my best friend since 3rd grade had a baby girl, Kiley, and I claim her as my niece. I remember staying at the hospital all day long, going in and out of my friend's room. I arrived at the hospital at around 10:45am and did not leave til about 10:45 that night. At around 9 o clock, we heard news that the baby was coming. The family and I sat in the hallway anxiously. My friend's dad began to talk about me saying "Maisey has always been as quiet as a mouse, ever since her and Maeghan (my best friend) had become friends. But she is a loyal friend, she is Maeghan's only friend that has stuck it through with her and is here now. You are a true blue friend". When it was time to go in, everyone piled in the room where Maeghan was and waited for baby kiley to be rolled in. When she arrived, everyone began to cry. This baby was truly beautiful. I felt a stronger sense of loyalty and responsibility to Maeghan and Kiley.

Back to school, and it was time to start second semester. Objective 1: get a job. Objective 2: make good grades. Objective 3: do not run out of money for my sponsored child in Haiti. I took less credit hours this semester, not purposefully, but that is just how it worked out with the classes I needed. By now, I was thankful to be in deactur going to calhoun and living at home. I was blessed to be able to get a job working with a hospice organization. (I am going to school for nursing, and wanted a medical related job). My supervisors were completely thrilled to know that I wanted to be a missionary nurse, supportive in my schooling, and flexible with my schedule. This was the PERFECT job!! I seriously work with some of the sweetest and caring people I have ever met. This was a MAJOR blessing! That, and the fact that my sponsored child in Haiti, Faubert, means so much to me and now I could afford to support him on my own. Going to school and working is what I was doing.

Back to the relationship. Me and my now ex-boyfriend began to talk again. Just as friends at first. Then we began to talk about how immature we were, relying on texting and facebook to communicate. I admitted that distance and him not being here in a physical presence lead me astray (not that it was his fault at all). We began to talk about how we still had feelings to each other. One thing he said that would really get me is that he would say "when I said I love you, I meant then, meant it when we broke up, and still mean it now". Some red flags that should have gone off the first time around were the bitterness he showed towards his exes in talking about them, and the things he told me about his past that he was not certain he had gotten over. My pride was built up and I wanted a boy to fill my attention void. I liked this boy too, had strong feelings for him. He was very witty, charming, has the most gorgeous eyes I have ever seen, and was laid back and patient for the most part. I know it sounds ridiculous because we are 19 and taking this so seriously, but bare with me. We began to date again, thinking that this time, we know better. This time was going to be different, and we could make it. He would often ask me to tell him things that I was not certain of or had not even crossed my mind. Things like " Do you think God has big things in store for us?". How was I suppose to know God's will? The truth was, I was STILL not ready for marriage, and neither was he whether he realized it or not. We still relied on facebook and texting to communicate- STILL A REALLY BAD IDEA. We joked with each other constantly, jokingly putting each other down in a completely sarcastic way, which is not a good idea either even though you are joking, because eventually someone will take it the wrong way. By now, I had a lot of pride, and was completely blinded by it. I mentally saw myself as superior to my boyfriend because he did not go to a church like mine, where we learned so much about theology and biblical doctrine. I also saw myself as superior because though we both wanted to be sexually pure, he had was more likely to struggle (like most guys) because the fact that he was a guy, so I saw myself as more pure than him. We saw each other more often than before. One day, I was complaining about a friend that liked me always texting me asking to hang out. My boyfriend knew of him and contacted him, telling him to never communicate with me again. I was shocked. I didn't see that coming at all. I told my boyfriend that the other guy was still my friend even though I have complained about my friend pestering me (pride) and that I could handle it myself-mind you this is all over facebook and text...such a bad idea. Everything got mended and soon after, we planned a trip to visit my friend, Savina, at her school. My high school friend, Paul, wanted to go as well. So I would be driving me, paul, and my boyfriend to Savina's school. My boyfriend wasn't so comfortable with it because me and Paul use to be flirty (mostly in a joking manor) earlier on in high school. We never dated, or had any serious interest in eachother. I could not ever figure out why my boyfriend was so upset about him coming. We also were going to meet up with a friend that goes to savina's school. We thought he was a little sketch, but he never showed us anything but kindness and had no reason to think that he was sketch. Boyfriend did not like this guy either, though he had never met him. I started to see a little possessiveness in boyfriend and began to get a little worried. We all hung out that night and boyfriend was not happy. Our other friends picked up on and became worried too. I was scared,not for him, of him. Long story short, I became angry with boyfriend for acting childish towards my friends that happen to be guys. Boyfriend wanted to fix it but I didn't let him. I did not want to hear anything. It was time to go home. He begged me to fix it right there and then, but I wanted to go home and cry over it first. He was right. We needed to fix it then, but we didn't. My grudge grew and grew into an ugly mess. I couldn't believe he acted that way. I didn't let him fix it because I thought he only wanted to fix it because he wanted to look good in my eyes again, not because he realized how he hurt me. I heard the words "I'm Sorry" a dozen times but never heard why. I certainly did not want to mow over this issue like a lawnmower, I wanted to pull it out by the roots. I didn't believe that could be done in a short amount of time because my grudge had blinded me. I wanted to be mad about it. I felt justified in my anger. And I was foolish to think so. I got tired of the "I'm sorry" phrase, so I said I forgave him, when I really did not. We mowed over the issue for a week or so. But do you know what happens when you mow over a weed? it grows back. I was filled with pride, bitterness, and anger all over again. How dare he think he is on good terms with me now. How dare he act like nothing happened. How dare he act liked he is my hero again. Whenever I felt that he became prideful, I knocked him down. Whenever I felt that he was whining over nothing, I knocked him down. Whenever I felt that he thought he was a man, I knocked him down. I knew pride had overtaken me in other areas of my life, but it was so great in this area that I couldn't even see it. I asked God to knock me on my knees in humility. That, he did. A few days later, boyfriend asked to meet up, so we did. That night, we broke up. For the first time, I saw in his eyes the result of my pride, anger, and bitterness. It took me a few days to get my thoughts together.

 I CLEARLY saw where I had wronged him. I saw myself as the standard and held myself above him as if to say "maybe you'll be good enough one day". I saw myself as more biblically educated because I knew sound doctrine and theology, but if I really understood them, I would have used them to lift him up, not tear him down. I held his past against him, as if to say " there is no hope for you". I withheld forgiveness from him because I did not feel he was righteous enough to deserve my forgiveness. I tried to fix his pride with mine. I failed to see that I was a fallen sinner just like him, in need of just as much grace as him. He was right when he told me that he did not deserve the treatment I gave him, no one does. A week or so later,I explained everything I had come to realize, but he was not interested. I did not want him back, that was not my aim at all. We had no business dating in the first place. I wanted him to see what I had come to realize about the ugliness and nastiness and PURE FILTH of my pride, and I wanted to apologize for the sin I committed against him. He still did not seem interested. He was still bitter, and although I do not blame him one bit for it, I do not wish him what bitterness has to offer. That is why I so desperately wanted to hear that he forgave me too, not for me, but for him. I did not want him to go through what I went through in response to what I went through. I knew bitterness will take over your life and I sincerely did not want that for him. We talked a little bit, making small talk. Then one day, he told me that he did not want anything to do with me. He wanted to disconnect. forever.

I was so heart broken, because I care about him as a brother in Christ and don't want him to live in bitterness. The bible also says that if we do not forgive, we will not be forgiven, and that worries me so much. I was frustrated with this news. I know people say they "move on"  and they forget about it...until something reminds them of it, then they relapse. You can be happy and forget about something, because happiness is cheap, but you will never find joy where there is rooted bitterness. So here I am, praying, hoping for him to experience forgiveness, not for me, but for him. I care about him and do not want him to hurt the pains that anger, bitterness, unforgiven and unforgotten sin bring, just like I would anybody.

Most importantly, I sinned against God. I thought that I was him. I mentally viewed another person made in the image of God lesser than myself. I viewed myself as the standard that he was suppose to live up to. In my pride, I audaciously thought that I did not need the cross. But God in his grace allowed me to see again. He wiped the filth of pride away from my vision, only to look up and see the cross.

I did not write this because I think my life is interesting. I did not write it hoping that ex boyfriend would see it and experience forgiveness because of me, that is not the case. Something holy and perfect such as forgiveness only comes from God, and it is by his grace the we see to forgive and to ask for it. When we swell up in pride, our eyes swell shut too. I pray that God daily reminds us of our desperate need of the cross and our depravity. I also pray that God teach me to forgive like he forgives. Our sin is magnified in the eyes of God, yet he continues to allow us to breathe. Don't take forgiveness for granted by not receiving it with thankfulness and awe or by withholding it from someone else. I pray that we stay humble and child-like (completely relying on God without question) in our faith.

Colossians 2:8-15