Ok, so I have big news that I have not told many people. I'M GOING TO PERU!!
This will be my first Mission trip. We are going with an organization called Not Forgotten that helps street boys in Iquitos,Peru. These boys have been forced to live in the streets due to poverty. When a family gets too poor to support their children, they tell the oldest boy (who can be as young as 6 years old) to go live on the streets and not come back. Street boys are considered the lowest being. Its not uncommon to hear about a street boy being killed in broad daylight because he was annoying someone or someone just didn't think he needed to be around. As a result of this danger, streets boys find a place to hide as long as they can until they have to come out for food. They have two options to obtain food. 1) steal. If they are caught steeling, they are taken to jail and treated cruelly by police. This punishment can be anything from letting hungry guard dogs bite them or wetting them with water and shocking them with electric wires. 2) sell the only thing they have: their body. The boys are usually scared of the police because they know the punishment, so they are forced to prostitute their bodies. What Not Forgotten has done is built homes for these boys to live, and they are allowed to eat 3 meals a day and go to school. While I am down there, we will be building a new home for the boys. We will also be doing english and Bible classes with the boys. And most importantly spreading the gospel of Jesus Christ.
Just to clarify, I'm not telling you this because I want you to think I am a good person or a selfless person (I think I disproved that well in the last blog) or just an absolute saint because I am giving up 10 days to go to peru, but I am telling you because I would really appreciate prayers.
1. pray for safety on this trip
- we will be in the Amazon Jungle. we are taking 2 planes and a boat to get to our destination.
2. Pray that God make me and the team humble servants.
- we are there to serve in the name if Jesus. pray that we carry his name well.
3. Pray that God prepare us mentally,physically,emotionally, and spiritually for this trip
4. Pray that God open our eyes to realize what is important-investing time in these boys and making disciples.
5. Pray for these boys, that their lives continue to change.
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Consequences of Pride and Blessings of Humility
So I have officially finished my freshman year of college. It has been a long time coming. Over the past year, I have come to be way more appreciative for what I have and to be more cautious and discerning. Looking back just one year ago, I cannot believe what a selfish high school brat I was. I EXPECTED to go to a university with some sort of scholarship and my parents paying the rest. I wanted to get out and live on my own. I wanted to get away from Decatur,AL. And the exact opposite happened.
After the summer, I attended Calhoun Community College (the college in Decatur-which I had refused to go to during my senior year and was completely upset about attending). No scholarship. I lived with my parents, in the same room I have been in for the past 10 years. I actually remember crying over this, which the next day I thought "why on earth was I crying?".
The first semester, I got over my grumbling about going to the hometown community college knowing that I had friends that were attending as well. As the semester progressed, I made friends with the older people (most 30 and older) in my classes. I clung to the older people, because that is who I was most comfortable with. Most of them thought I was in my 20s and were shocked to know I was only 19. Anatomy was my favorite class because I was a minority. I was one of the youngest in my class. More that 80% of that class was over the age of 25.- You see, since I was about 14, I have always enjoyed the company of older people. My cousin, Zach (who was much older than me), played a huge role in that. I looked up to him so much. When I was in 7th or 8th grade I would tell him about what we were learning and he would just tell me how smart I was and really encourage me to learn more and mature more in my thinking. He told me something that I never forgot. We were driving in the car and I was complaining about how unfair my parents were and he told me "Maisey,honestly, if you think about it, you have to do what your parents say. Hear me out. If you do what they say, with no complaints, no attitude, and no disobedience, you earn their respect, therefore later on they let you do what you want to do. Say you want to go out and they say no. Don't give them an attitude and don't argue, just say 'okay' and leave it at that. They will see how maturely you handled it and will see you as responsible enough to go out later on when you want to do so". From then on, I never got in trouble with my parents. I got to do pretty much anything I wanted my senior year (without breaking any rules). -But anyways, I believe he is mostly the reason I like being with older people, because he helped me mature at a young age. These people in my classes would talk to me (Me, a 19 year old girl) about their life problems. It really opened my eyes to see that adulthood does NOT get easier.
I started to see how staying at home was not a bad idea. I got to keep going to my church, which I love, saved thousands of dollars on the same degree I would get from somewhere else, and got to interact in the lives of other people I wouldn't have met otherwise.
I was not only immature in that I expected quality education handed to me on a silver platter because I "deserved it", but I was also immature in my relationships. I had not been in a relationship since the 9th grade. I began having a relationship with this boy (whose name will not be mentioned). He gave me so much attention and praise that I could not pass him up. He praised me for being the most Godly girl he knew in his life, being pretty, and being pure. I did not like it at first, and kind of pushed the compliments aside, but the more they kept coming, the more I absorbed them like a sponge. My heart filled with pride, and I perceived myself as precious. I began to believe I was and lived this image he perceived me to be, instead of a fallen sinner. This boy was stereotyped for the way he looked, but was actually a Christian. We talked over the summer and kept up with each other everyday, but decided not to date long distance (since I was staying with my dad in Gulfport). When I got home, we began dating. I knew that dating was for the soul purpose of marriage and that if I wasn't ready to marry, then I shouldn't date. I was not ready to marry, period, but went along with his sweet way of words. We saw each other often during the 3 weeks we had before he left for bible college. When he left, we relied on technology to communicate-bad idea. You cannot rely on technology to keep a relationship, it just doesn't work. You need that person's physical presence. Skype signal was not so good in his dorm, so we did not do that often. More times than not, one of us was in a setting where we were unable to talk on the phone, so we relied on texting and facebook as our main source of communication- again, REALLY BAD IDEA. We saw each other a few times during our first few months together. At home, I had another guy friend that I would hang out with. He liked some of the same things that my boyfriend liked and so I thought it was a perfect guy to hang out with and not have my boyfriend worry or be jealous. It soon came down to that, but not because of my boyfriend, because of me. See, I had a slight attraction to this guy friend, not as much as my boyfriend though. I saw the value of our friendship more than anything. He was a faithful friend. He was very nice, would compliment me, and share things about his life that he trusted me with. At this point is where I began to see this boy as attractive. He knew I had a boyfriend and was worried about his concern of our friendship, but I told him that my boyfriend knew that we were just friends. Before you jump to any conclusions, nothing ever happened between me and this boy. Nothing was ever mentioned of us being more than friends, no physical expression more than a friendly hug, anything that happened was all mental. This attraction only lasted a couple weeks-the last couple weeks of my relationship. I knew hanging out with my friend was not right because it may lead to me liking him similar to how I like my boyfriend, but I kept reminding myself that we were just friends, nothing would ever happen, and that it was okay for us to be friends. My boyfriend was far away, only communicating through text, while my friend was here and available to talk anytime I needed him. Just so we are clear, I was not attracted to my friend in a sexual way (incase you got that idea), it was more of an attention void that he filled in the absence of my boyfriend. My boyfriend picked up that something wasn't right at home and it had to do with my guy friend, but I continually denied it. I acted like my boyfriend was being irrational, making these audacious claims out of jealousy, when all along he was spot on right (for the most part). He thought more had happened when it did not. Needless to day, we broke up around October. This was not the end of my immature relationship.
November 4,2011 was the day that my baby niece was born! She is not my real niece, but my best friend since 3rd grade had a baby girl, Kiley, and I claim her as my niece. I remember staying at the hospital all day long, going in and out of my friend's room. I arrived at the hospital at around 10:45am and did not leave til about 10:45 that night. At around 9 o clock, we heard news that the baby was coming. The family and I sat in the hallway anxiously. My friend's dad began to talk about me saying "Maisey has always been as quiet as a mouse, ever since her and Maeghan (my best friend) had become friends. But she is a loyal friend, she is Maeghan's only friend that has stuck it through with her and is here now. You are a true blue friend". When it was time to go in, everyone piled in the room where Maeghan was and waited for baby kiley to be rolled in. When she arrived, everyone began to cry. This baby was truly beautiful. I felt a stronger sense of loyalty and responsibility to Maeghan and Kiley.
Back to school, and it was time to start second semester. Objective 1: get a job. Objective 2: make good grades. Objective 3: do not run out of money for my sponsored child in Haiti. I took less credit hours this semester, not purposefully, but that is just how it worked out with the classes I needed. By now, I was thankful to be in deactur going to calhoun and living at home. I was blessed to be able to get a job working with a hospice organization. (I am going to school for nursing, and wanted a medical related job). My supervisors were completely thrilled to know that I wanted to be a missionary nurse, supportive in my schooling, and flexible with my schedule. This was the PERFECT job!! I seriously work with some of the sweetest and caring people I have ever met. This was a MAJOR blessing! That, and the fact that my sponsored child in Haiti, Faubert, means so much to me and now I could afford to support him on my own. Going to school and working is what I was doing.
Back to the relationship. Me and my now ex-boyfriend began to talk again. Just as friends at first. Then we began to talk about how immature we were, relying on texting and facebook to communicate. I admitted that distance and him not being here in a physical presence lead me astray (not that it was his fault at all). We began to talk about how we still had feelings to each other. One thing he said that would really get me is that he would say "when I said I love you, I meant then, meant it when we broke up, and still mean it now". Some red flags that should have gone off the first time around were the bitterness he showed towards his exes in talking about them, and the things he told me about his past that he was not certain he had gotten over. My pride was built up and I wanted a boy to fill my attention void. I liked this boy too, had strong feelings for him. He was very witty, charming, has the most gorgeous eyes I have ever seen, and was laid back and patient for the most part. I know it sounds ridiculous because we are 19 and taking this so seriously, but bare with me. We began to date again, thinking that this time, we know better. This time was going to be different, and we could make it. He would often ask me to tell him things that I was not certain of or had not even crossed my mind. Things like " Do you think God has big things in store for us?". How was I suppose to know God's will? The truth was, I was STILL not ready for marriage, and neither was he whether he realized it or not. We still relied on facebook and texting to communicate- STILL A REALLY BAD IDEA. We joked with each other constantly, jokingly putting each other down in a completely sarcastic way, which is not a good idea either even though you are joking, because eventually someone will take it the wrong way. By now, I had a lot of pride, and was completely blinded by it. I mentally saw myself as superior to my boyfriend because he did not go to a church like mine, where we learned so much about theology and biblical doctrine. I also saw myself as superior because though we both wanted to be sexually pure, he had was more likely to struggle (like most guys) because the fact that he was a guy, so I saw myself as more pure than him. We saw each other more often than before. One day, I was complaining about a friend that liked me always texting me asking to hang out. My boyfriend knew of him and contacted him, telling him to never communicate with me again. I was shocked. I didn't see that coming at all. I told my boyfriend that the other guy was still my friend even though I have complained about my friend pestering me (pride) and that I could handle it myself-mind you this is all over facebook and text...such a bad idea. Everything got mended and soon after, we planned a trip to visit my friend, Savina, at her school. My high school friend, Paul, wanted to go as well. So I would be driving me, paul, and my boyfriend to Savina's school. My boyfriend wasn't so comfortable with it because me and Paul use to be flirty (mostly in a joking manor) earlier on in high school. We never dated, or had any serious interest in eachother. I could not ever figure out why my boyfriend was so upset about him coming. We also were going to meet up with a friend that goes to savina's school. We thought he was a little sketch, but he never showed us anything but kindness and had no reason to think that he was sketch. Boyfriend did not like this guy either, though he had never met him. I started to see a little possessiveness in boyfriend and began to get a little worried. We all hung out that night and boyfriend was not happy. Our other friends picked up on and became worried too. I was scared,not for him, of him. Long story short, I became angry with boyfriend for acting childish towards my friends that happen to be guys. Boyfriend wanted to fix it but I didn't let him. I did not want to hear anything. It was time to go home. He begged me to fix it right there and then, but I wanted to go home and cry over it first. He was right. We needed to fix it then, but we didn't. My grudge grew and grew into an ugly mess. I couldn't believe he acted that way. I didn't let him fix it because I thought he only wanted to fix it because he wanted to look good in my eyes again, not because he realized how he hurt me. I heard the words "I'm Sorry" a dozen times but never heard why. I certainly did not want to mow over this issue like a lawnmower, I wanted to pull it out by the roots. I didn't believe that could be done in a short amount of time because my grudge had blinded me. I wanted to be mad about it. I felt justified in my anger. And I was foolish to think so. I got tired of the "I'm sorry" phrase, so I said I forgave him, when I really did not. We mowed over the issue for a week or so. But do you know what happens when you mow over a weed? it grows back. I was filled with pride, bitterness, and anger all over again. How dare he think he is on good terms with me now. How dare he act like nothing happened. How dare he act liked he is my hero again. Whenever I felt that he became prideful, I knocked him down. Whenever I felt that he was whining over nothing, I knocked him down. Whenever I felt that he thought he was a man, I knocked him down. I knew pride had overtaken me in other areas of my life, but it was so great in this area that I couldn't even see it. I asked God to knock me on my knees in humility. That, he did. A few days later, boyfriend asked to meet up, so we did. That night, we broke up. For the first time, I saw in his eyes the result of my pride, anger, and bitterness. It took me a few days to get my thoughts together.
I CLEARLY saw where I had wronged him. I saw myself as the standard and held myself above him as if to say "maybe you'll be good enough one day". I saw myself as more biblically educated because I knew sound doctrine and theology, but if I really understood them, I would have used them to lift him up, not tear him down. I held his past against him, as if to say " there is no hope for you". I withheld forgiveness from him because I did not feel he was righteous enough to deserve my forgiveness. I tried to fix his pride with mine. I failed to see that I was a fallen sinner just like him, in need of just as much grace as him. He was right when he told me that he did not deserve the treatment I gave him, no one does. A week or so later,I explained everything I had come to realize, but he was not interested. I did not want him back, that was not my aim at all. We had no business dating in the first place. I wanted him to see what I had come to realize about the ugliness and nastiness and PURE FILTH of my pride, and I wanted to apologize for the sin I committed against him. He still did not seem interested. He was still bitter, and although I do not blame him one bit for it, I do not wish him what bitterness has to offer. That is why I so desperately wanted to hear that he forgave me too, not for me, but for him. I did not want him to go through what I went through in response to what I went through. I knew bitterness will take over your life and I sincerely did not want that for him. We talked a little bit, making small talk. Then one day, he told me that he did not want anything to do with me. He wanted to disconnect. forever.
I was so heart broken, because I care about him as a brother in Christ and don't want him to live in bitterness. The bible also says that if we do not forgive, we will not be forgiven, and that worries me so much. I was frustrated with this news. I know people say they "move on" and they forget about it...until something reminds them of it, then they relapse. You can be happy and forget about something, because happiness is cheap, but you will never find joy where there is rooted bitterness. So here I am, praying, hoping for him to experience forgiveness, not for me, but for him. I care about him and do not want him to hurt the pains that anger, bitterness, unforgiven and unforgotten sin bring, just like I would anybody.
Most importantly, I sinned against God. I thought that I was him. I mentally viewed another person made in the image of God lesser than myself. I viewed myself as the standard that he was suppose to live up to. In my pride, I audaciously thought that I did not need the cross. But God in his grace allowed me to see again. He wiped the filth of pride away from my vision, only to look up and see the cross.
I did not write this because I think my life is interesting. I did not write it hoping that ex boyfriend would see it and experience forgiveness because of me, that is not the case. Something holy and perfect such as forgiveness only comes from God, and it is by his grace the we see to forgive and to ask for it. When we swell up in pride, our eyes swell shut too. I pray that God daily reminds us of our desperate need of the cross and our depravity. I also pray that God teach me to forgive like he forgives. Our sin is magnified in the eyes of God, yet he continues to allow us to breathe. Don't take forgiveness for granted by not receiving it with thankfulness and awe or by withholding it from someone else. I pray that we stay humble and child-like (completely relying on God without question) in our faith.
Colossians 2:8-15
After the summer, I attended Calhoun Community College (the college in Decatur-which I had refused to go to during my senior year and was completely upset about attending). No scholarship. I lived with my parents, in the same room I have been in for the past 10 years. I actually remember crying over this, which the next day I thought "why on earth was I crying?".
The first semester, I got over my grumbling about going to the hometown community college knowing that I had friends that were attending as well. As the semester progressed, I made friends with the older people (most 30 and older) in my classes. I clung to the older people, because that is who I was most comfortable with. Most of them thought I was in my 20s and were shocked to know I was only 19. Anatomy was my favorite class because I was a minority. I was one of the youngest in my class. More that 80% of that class was over the age of 25.- You see, since I was about 14, I have always enjoyed the company of older people. My cousin, Zach (who was much older than me), played a huge role in that. I looked up to him so much. When I was in 7th or 8th grade I would tell him about what we were learning and he would just tell me how smart I was and really encourage me to learn more and mature more in my thinking. He told me something that I never forgot. We were driving in the car and I was complaining about how unfair my parents were and he told me "Maisey,honestly, if you think about it, you have to do what your parents say. Hear me out. If you do what they say, with no complaints, no attitude, and no disobedience, you earn their respect, therefore later on they let you do what you want to do. Say you want to go out and they say no. Don't give them an attitude and don't argue, just say 'okay' and leave it at that. They will see how maturely you handled it and will see you as responsible enough to go out later on when you want to do so". From then on, I never got in trouble with my parents. I got to do pretty much anything I wanted my senior year (without breaking any rules). -But anyways, I believe he is mostly the reason I like being with older people, because he helped me mature at a young age. These people in my classes would talk to me (Me, a 19 year old girl) about their life problems. It really opened my eyes to see that adulthood does NOT get easier.
I started to see how staying at home was not a bad idea. I got to keep going to my church, which I love, saved thousands of dollars on the same degree I would get from somewhere else, and got to interact in the lives of other people I wouldn't have met otherwise.
I was not only immature in that I expected quality education handed to me on a silver platter because I "deserved it", but I was also immature in my relationships. I had not been in a relationship since the 9th grade. I began having a relationship with this boy (whose name will not be mentioned). He gave me so much attention and praise that I could not pass him up. He praised me for being the most Godly girl he knew in his life, being pretty, and being pure. I did not like it at first, and kind of pushed the compliments aside, but the more they kept coming, the more I absorbed them like a sponge. My heart filled with pride, and I perceived myself as precious. I began to believe I was and lived this image he perceived me to be, instead of a fallen sinner. This boy was stereotyped for the way he looked, but was actually a Christian. We talked over the summer and kept up with each other everyday, but decided not to date long distance (since I was staying with my dad in Gulfport). When I got home, we began dating. I knew that dating was for the soul purpose of marriage and that if I wasn't ready to marry, then I shouldn't date. I was not ready to marry, period, but went along with his sweet way of words. We saw each other often during the 3 weeks we had before he left for bible college. When he left, we relied on technology to communicate-bad idea. You cannot rely on technology to keep a relationship, it just doesn't work. You need that person's physical presence. Skype signal was not so good in his dorm, so we did not do that often. More times than not, one of us was in a setting where we were unable to talk on the phone, so we relied on texting and facebook as our main source of communication- again, REALLY BAD IDEA. We saw each other a few times during our first few months together. At home, I had another guy friend that I would hang out with. He liked some of the same things that my boyfriend liked and so I thought it was a perfect guy to hang out with and not have my boyfriend worry or be jealous. It soon came down to that, but not because of my boyfriend, because of me. See, I had a slight attraction to this guy friend, not as much as my boyfriend though. I saw the value of our friendship more than anything. He was a faithful friend. He was very nice, would compliment me, and share things about his life that he trusted me with. At this point is where I began to see this boy as attractive. He knew I had a boyfriend and was worried about his concern of our friendship, but I told him that my boyfriend knew that we were just friends. Before you jump to any conclusions, nothing ever happened between me and this boy. Nothing was ever mentioned of us being more than friends, no physical expression more than a friendly hug, anything that happened was all mental. This attraction only lasted a couple weeks-the last couple weeks of my relationship. I knew hanging out with my friend was not right because it may lead to me liking him similar to how I like my boyfriend, but I kept reminding myself that we were just friends, nothing would ever happen, and that it was okay for us to be friends. My boyfriend was far away, only communicating through text, while my friend was here and available to talk anytime I needed him. Just so we are clear, I was not attracted to my friend in a sexual way (incase you got that idea), it was more of an attention void that he filled in the absence of my boyfriend. My boyfriend picked up that something wasn't right at home and it had to do with my guy friend, but I continually denied it. I acted like my boyfriend was being irrational, making these audacious claims out of jealousy, when all along he was spot on right (for the most part). He thought more had happened when it did not. Needless to day, we broke up around October. This was not the end of my immature relationship.
November 4,2011 was the day that my baby niece was born! She is not my real niece, but my best friend since 3rd grade had a baby girl, Kiley, and I claim her as my niece. I remember staying at the hospital all day long, going in and out of my friend's room. I arrived at the hospital at around 10:45am and did not leave til about 10:45 that night. At around 9 o clock, we heard news that the baby was coming. The family and I sat in the hallway anxiously. My friend's dad began to talk about me saying "Maisey has always been as quiet as a mouse, ever since her and Maeghan (my best friend) had become friends. But she is a loyal friend, she is Maeghan's only friend that has stuck it through with her and is here now. You are a true blue friend". When it was time to go in, everyone piled in the room where Maeghan was and waited for baby kiley to be rolled in. When she arrived, everyone began to cry. This baby was truly beautiful. I felt a stronger sense of loyalty and responsibility to Maeghan and Kiley.
Back to school, and it was time to start second semester. Objective 1: get a job. Objective 2: make good grades. Objective 3: do not run out of money for my sponsored child in Haiti. I took less credit hours this semester, not purposefully, but that is just how it worked out with the classes I needed. By now, I was thankful to be in deactur going to calhoun and living at home. I was blessed to be able to get a job working with a hospice organization. (I am going to school for nursing, and wanted a medical related job). My supervisors were completely thrilled to know that I wanted to be a missionary nurse, supportive in my schooling, and flexible with my schedule. This was the PERFECT job!! I seriously work with some of the sweetest and caring people I have ever met. This was a MAJOR blessing! That, and the fact that my sponsored child in Haiti, Faubert, means so much to me and now I could afford to support him on my own. Going to school and working is what I was doing.
Back to the relationship. Me and my now ex-boyfriend began to talk again. Just as friends at first. Then we began to talk about how immature we were, relying on texting and facebook to communicate. I admitted that distance and him not being here in a physical presence lead me astray (not that it was his fault at all). We began to talk about how we still had feelings to each other. One thing he said that would really get me is that he would say "when I said I love you, I meant then, meant it when we broke up, and still mean it now". Some red flags that should have gone off the first time around were the bitterness he showed towards his exes in talking about them, and the things he told me about his past that he was not certain he had gotten over. My pride was built up and I wanted a boy to fill my attention void. I liked this boy too, had strong feelings for him. He was very witty, charming, has the most gorgeous eyes I have ever seen, and was laid back and patient for the most part. I know it sounds ridiculous because we are 19 and taking this so seriously, but bare with me. We began to date again, thinking that this time, we know better. This time was going to be different, and we could make it. He would often ask me to tell him things that I was not certain of or had not even crossed my mind. Things like " Do you think God has big things in store for us?". How was I suppose to know God's will? The truth was, I was STILL not ready for marriage, and neither was he whether he realized it or not. We still relied on facebook and texting to communicate- STILL A REALLY BAD IDEA. We joked with each other constantly, jokingly putting each other down in a completely sarcastic way, which is not a good idea either even though you are joking, because eventually someone will take it the wrong way. By now, I had a lot of pride, and was completely blinded by it. I mentally saw myself as superior to my boyfriend because he did not go to a church like mine, where we learned so much about theology and biblical doctrine. I also saw myself as superior because though we both wanted to be sexually pure, he had was more likely to struggle (like most guys) because the fact that he was a guy, so I saw myself as more pure than him. We saw each other more often than before. One day, I was complaining about a friend that liked me always texting me asking to hang out. My boyfriend knew of him and contacted him, telling him to never communicate with me again. I was shocked. I didn't see that coming at all. I told my boyfriend that the other guy was still my friend even though I have complained about my friend pestering me (pride) and that I could handle it myself-mind you this is all over facebook and text...such a bad idea. Everything got mended and soon after, we planned a trip to visit my friend, Savina, at her school. My high school friend, Paul, wanted to go as well. So I would be driving me, paul, and my boyfriend to Savina's school. My boyfriend wasn't so comfortable with it because me and Paul use to be flirty (mostly in a joking manor) earlier on in high school. We never dated, or had any serious interest in eachother. I could not ever figure out why my boyfriend was so upset about him coming. We also were going to meet up with a friend that goes to savina's school. We thought he was a little sketch, but he never showed us anything but kindness and had no reason to think that he was sketch. Boyfriend did not like this guy either, though he had never met him. I started to see a little possessiveness in boyfriend and began to get a little worried. We all hung out that night and boyfriend was not happy. Our other friends picked up on and became worried too. I was scared,not for him, of him. Long story short, I became angry with boyfriend for acting childish towards my friends that happen to be guys. Boyfriend wanted to fix it but I didn't let him. I did not want to hear anything. It was time to go home. He begged me to fix it right there and then, but I wanted to go home and cry over it first. He was right. We needed to fix it then, but we didn't. My grudge grew and grew into an ugly mess. I couldn't believe he acted that way. I didn't let him fix it because I thought he only wanted to fix it because he wanted to look good in my eyes again, not because he realized how he hurt me. I heard the words "I'm Sorry" a dozen times but never heard why. I certainly did not want to mow over this issue like a lawnmower, I wanted to pull it out by the roots. I didn't believe that could be done in a short amount of time because my grudge had blinded me. I wanted to be mad about it. I felt justified in my anger. And I was foolish to think so. I got tired of the "I'm sorry" phrase, so I said I forgave him, when I really did not. We mowed over the issue for a week or so. But do you know what happens when you mow over a weed? it grows back. I was filled with pride, bitterness, and anger all over again. How dare he think he is on good terms with me now. How dare he act like nothing happened. How dare he act liked he is my hero again. Whenever I felt that he became prideful, I knocked him down. Whenever I felt that he was whining over nothing, I knocked him down. Whenever I felt that he thought he was a man, I knocked him down. I knew pride had overtaken me in other areas of my life, but it was so great in this area that I couldn't even see it. I asked God to knock me on my knees in humility. That, he did. A few days later, boyfriend asked to meet up, so we did. That night, we broke up. For the first time, I saw in his eyes the result of my pride, anger, and bitterness. It took me a few days to get my thoughts together.
I CLEARLY saw where I had wronged him. I saw myself as the standard and held myself above him as if to say "maybe you'll be good enough one day". I saw myself as more biblically educated because I knew sound doctrine and theology, but if I really understood them, I would have used them to lift him up, not tear him down. I held his past against him, as if to say " there is no hope for you". I withheld forgiveness from him because I did not feel he was righteous enough to deserve my forgiveness. I tried to fix his pride with mine. I failed to see that I was a fallen sinner just like him, in need of just as much grace as him. He was right when he told me that he did not deserve the treatment I gave him, no one does. A week or so later,I explained everything I had come to realize, but he was not interested. I did not want him back, that was not my aim at all. We had no business dating in the first place. I wanted him to see what I had come to realize about the ugliness and nastiness and PURE FILTH of my pride, and I wanted to apologize for the sin I committed against him. He still did not seem interested. He was still bitter, and although I do not blame him one bit for it, I do not wish him what bitterness has to offer. That is why I so desperately wanted to hear that he forgave me too, not for me, but for him. I did not want him to go through what I went through in response to what I went through. I knew bitterness will take over your life and I sincerely did not want that for him. We talked a little bit, making small talk. Then one day, he told me that he did not want anything to do with me. He wanted to disconnect. forever.
I was so heart broken, because I care about him as a brother in Christ and don't want him to live in bitterness. The bible also says that if we do not forgive, we will not be forgiven, and that worries me so much. I was frustrated with this news. I know people say they "move on" and they forget about it...until something reminds them of it, then they relapse. You can be happy and forget about something, because happiness is cheap, but you will never find joy where there is rooted bitterness. So here I am, praying, hoping for him to experience forgiveness, not for me, but for him. I care about him and do not want him to hurt the pains that anger, bitterness, unforgiven and unforgotten sin bring, just like I would anybody.
Most importantly, I sinned against God. I thought that I was him. I mentally viewed another person made in the image of God lesser than myself. I viewed myself as the standard that he was suppose to live up to. In my pride, I audaciously thought that I did not need the cross. But God in his grace allowed me to see again. He wiped the filth of pride away from my vision, only to look up and see the cross.
I did not write this because I think my life is interesting. I did not write it hoping that ex boyfriend would see it and experience forgiveness because of me, that is not the case. Something holy and perfect such as forgiveness only comes from God, and it is by his grace the we see to forgive and to ask for it. When we swell up in pride, our eyes swell shut too. I pray that God daily reminds us of our desperate need of the cross and our depravity. I also pray that God teach me to forgive like he forgives. Our sin is magnified in the eyes of God, yet he continues to allow us to breathe. Don't take forgiveness for granted by not receiving it with thankfulness and awe or by withholding it from someone else. I pray that we stay humble and child-like (completely relying on God without question) in our faith.
Colossians 2:8-15
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