Stop watching life, and live life

I am guilty of being an observer....

Most people say I am quiet; that they never hear much from me. The truth is I'm not shy, I am just watching. I love to watch people's behaviors, how they react to things, what they do. I am constantly assessing people. Not to say I am constantly negatively judging people, because I am not, I'm just trying to figure them out. I do not necessarily pay attention to words because actions speak louder. You may say that if you won the lottery, you would give it all to charity, but if 28 million dollars ended up in your bank account tomorrow, we will only know if you meant what you said by what you do. 
   I always try to critically think through my options. If they are wise decisions or not, if they are a "safe move", if it is a realistic goal are things I consider. But have you ever thought of this as sin?  Up until recently I have not. You see sometimes by observing, I miss out on what is going on around me. I am too busy watching other people and trying to analyze the excitement going on around me that I do not even participate. 
    The thought just hit me the other day to stop analyzing other people's behavior and enjoy the people, enjoy the setting, and enjoy God. He puts me in a place of rejoicing and excitement and what do I do? I watch other people celebrate and be happy. Not saying that this curiosity is wrong, but I am just trying to stress that enjoying others and celebrating with them is a gift. When we do that, we think "My great God! he is so wonderful, he has all of us connected here together and we are full of heart-felt joy for knowing each other and knowing you -individually and collectively!" The enjoying of people should lead to the enjoying of God who created those people. So I urge myself and others like myself...to live in the joy of today, in worship of the creator, and stop watching it. 

God Don't Owe Us Anything, Ya Dig? Pt 3

        Work day 1: Breakfast-
It was 8 am and time to get going!! We got up, got our work clothes on, sprayed on more DEET and headed to breakfast. Peruvian breakfast is very similar to American breakfast. Eggs, toast, jelly, bacon, and...coffeeeeeee!!! The coffee was THE BEST coffee ever. If you ever drink coffee from Peru, it is a true worship experience. It was very strong, so if you don't like that, like me, you have to put more sugar in the coffee than coffee mix (it was peruvian instant coffee). Tyler, Kristen, and Allison explained a little bit of what we would be doing that morning while at the table. After we ate, we gathered our work gear and headed out to the site.
      Time to get down and dirty!!
and we did just that! Before we left, we were all looking to fill up our water bottles so we would have water to drink. It had not arrived. I knew we were just going to buy water from the lodge or something, but I was so use to just going to the fossett and getting some water at whatever temperature I desired that this was a shock to me. Kristen and allison bought us 3 large bottles of water to fill up the cooler so everyone could get some water from it. We all only filled out bottles about 1/2 way so that we were sure the whole team got some. Down at the work site there was a big pile of wood posts laying on the ground and muddy from the rain that we were suppose to work with that day. We were to clean them off and sand them down as much as possible, then they were to be painted on all sides with tar. With 2 people working on one post at a time, this took a while, but was quite fun. I wore a tie dye shirt that I loved...needless to say, it is not wearable anymore haha. But I'll take it with me when I am doing dirty work in the future! we all hung our water bottles on a tree as if they were ornaments. The water finally arrived just in time for a break. We were making pretty good progress, though all we were doing was cleaning posts of wood and sanding them, then covering them with tar. It took us all afternoon to finish that job (there were many posts), but it was finally complete. We were to go back to the lodge, shower, and get ready to go to to the center to see the boys. Again, it took us a while to shower. The bus was due to pick us up at 6. We Americans do not notice, but we are freaks about being on time. If we are 10 min late, that is understandable, but anything after 30 min is absurd to us. In South American countries, the bus could be 2 hours late and it not be a big deal. It wasn't late and we got on the bus to go to the center in the city.

        We were having dinner with the boys and were so excited! when we got there, dinner was almost ready. We talked a little bit and played a game of UNO and then it was time to eat. we all picked a table and sat down. One boy from each table was to get everyone at the table's food and drink.  We all ate, and whatever we didn't eat, the boys gladly took care of it for us haha just like any other teenage boy. After dinner, we played games. We played UNO, some played soccer, some put together puzzles (they like that), some made bracelets, and some played charades. I played Uno with some of the boys. Then I went to see if Luiz or Mario would show me how to make a bracelet. They tried to teach me...but my spanish skills were not that good. Also I did not understand his demonstration. Luiz and mario called me and a girl on my team Loca(crazy) and made our bracelets for us. Julio Cesar came over as well and make me a bracelet and a ring(from the leftover string).Soon it was time to say our hasta luegos (see you laters). It was so much fun being with the boys. We got on the bus and headed back to the lodge. We were tired but filled with so much joy! Walking up the driveway to the hotel, we saw a giant toad, probably as big as a pro football and a beetle the size of a baseball!! Pretty much take any bug you would see in the woods in America and make it 5X the size and you got jungle bugs. We all brushed our teeth and went to bed (spraying on bug spray of course- we don't play).

God Don't Owe Us Anything. Ya dig? Pt 2

We walked out of the airport and onto the bus that was going to take us 45 min outside the city to our hotel. The parking lot of the airport looked like the one of a small airport maybe in a city in florida or something, but outside those gates was a whole new world. Our bus pulled out to the streets and motorcyclists and motorchariots are zipping by driving anywhere they can. I was nervous to see how we were going to get out onto the road because they never seemed to stop coming. Finally we start pulling out and I thought we were surely going to hit someone, but all the motocycles and chariots just zipped right around us. I also picked up very quickly that when people honk their horns in America, they are angry or trying to warn someone, while in peru they honk to let them know they are passing someone. I saw no cars. Just buses that looked about 30 or 40 years old and JAMMED PACKED with people, and motorcycles and motorchariots. You get up close and personal on a bus. I sat beside the three kids of the family of 5 that went with us on the trip. They came here a few days before we did to explore Machu Pichu and a few other breath-taking places. I was holding onto my backpack for dear life. Our driver was driving on whatever side of the road he wanted and was going very fast on curvy roads, I was sure we were going to crash. The girl beside me saw I was nervous and said "Don't worry, they never crash. We went to Machu Pichu and I thought we were going to die. We were driving like this only on the side of a mountain on a narrow road. " I was relieved some. I took out my iPhone and began to film our ride to the hotel, not because I wanted to make a sad video out of it, but because I wanted to remember what I saw. I didn't want to forget this moment I was in. I was experiencing culture shock at the time and did not know what to think, so I recorded it to remember later.

 Not Forgotten's Land

    We arrived at the Hotel 45min later, got off the bus, and waited for the truck to get there with our luggage. At the hotel, there was a pool, and all the roofs were thatch roofs, but wooden roofs in the rooms. We waited at the gazebo/ outdoor eating area. There was a flatscreen TV out there to watch soccer. The hotel was RIGHT beside Not Forgotten's (organization I went with) new land. It had just been cleared off with bulldozers the week before we came. It was beautiful. As I looked out over the land, this sense of hope came to my mind that comforted me of whatever was in store for the rest of the week. The luggage truck finally got there and we were assigned our rooms. I roomed with Christie and Jenna. There was no air conditioner for those wondering. We were lucky, we had 2 fans in our room. The beds were dressed in orange comforters and white sheets. The floor was tile with a few rugs near the beds. We had this big wardrobe thing that looked like the entrance to Narnia in the corner of the room. We let another team member put her big bag of gifts for the boys in the wardrobe.  Kristen came in and informed us that after we finished putting our things, we were to return back to the gazebo. I noticed some cockroaches crawling around on the walkway and knew they would be in our rooms. After I sprayed on some mosquito repellent, I put my suitcase up on my bed and MADE SURE it was closed shut. I did the same with my backpack and purse. I walked down to the gazebo to meet up with the rest of the group. A group of Koreans were staying at the lodge as well. They were slightly loud and already eating (it was about 4 or 5 in the evening). Some others were staying at the hotel as well. There usually weren't that many people to stay at the lodge, but the day happened to be San Juan's day. It is a holiday to commemorate Saint John , but kinda seemed like marti gras in a way. The legend is that every night on San Juan, it rains. Kids were swimming in the pool and running everywhere. We were served dinner, chicken and rice, with these potato stick things..I really do not remember what they were called, they were not potatoes. I think they were plantains. Anyways, they were pretty good. They had a sauce that was suppose to go with them. I noticed people eating the peruvian mayonnaise with the rice...so I tried it. It was great! When we finished eating, the boys arrived and we were to go meet them. We small-talked for a while then we were all hearded to Not Forgotten's land.
     Kristen spoke to the boys in spanish telling them to introduce themselves by name and age. One of the boys knew english and introduced himself that way. We were glad to know SOMEONE knew what we were saying haha. We also introduced ourselves. Kristen, Tyler, and Allison (Leaders) then explained what work we would be doing on the land. Kristen and Allison noticed that the land was marked at Kilometer 49. This was a crazy God thing because Not Forgotten's scripture verse for the organization is Isaiah 49:15-16. We went back to the lodge to put on our swimsuits and get ready to go to the river/beach place. The boys came over on a smallish bus where some of them were standing up already...we decided to fit 25 more big Americans on that bus as well. In total, we probably had 40+ people on the small bus.. and 2 dogs.
    * At this time I would like to correct myself. In a previous post I wrote before going on the trip, I referred to the boys as "street boys". I do not like this term for several reasons. One being that these precious boys do not belong to the street, they belong to Christ. Not all of them were abandoned on the street by themselves. Many have stories just like to mine and yours. Some may come from divorced parents, some in an abusive home, much like our stories. We aren't to look at them and take pity and feel sorry for them, we are to embrace their reality and share and show the love of Christ. We are their brothers and sisters in Christ, and having compassion for our brothers is different then taking pity. Compassion shows true love and caring for someone, serving them with only the intention of their benefit. Pity shows a temporary emotional obligation. This is about people. This is real life, with real people, real stories, and a real powerful God.

      We arrived at the beach/river. Music was playing loudly, and we were ready to have some fun with the boys! we all unpacked from the bus (even the dogs) and walked a long tall bridge to the main area where there was a restaurant with a live music performance. we walked to the other side of that area and walked down the stairs, passed the volleyball place and to some benches where we could set our things to go swim in the river. I sat my things down, got my camera out of my bag and began to film. I did not want to forget this scene. It was fabulous. The music, the sun, the beautiful scenery, it was magnificent. Me and some other team members got in the water, it was slightly chilly. At first we were a little scared because we didn't know what creatures were in the water besides fish (anaconda). Then we began playing with some of the local children near by. Their parents layed on the beach and laughed as they watched their children splash the americans. We had so much fun! we took water balloons with us hoping to fill them up and ambush the boys, but there were no places to do that, so we manually filled up some water balloons and played with them in the water. One game we played with some little girls was" find the balloon in the deep muddy water" We would throw it in the water and wait for it to pop up to the surface and hurry up to get it. Some of our team members raced the boys across the river and stayed on the bank and explored and took pictures. We stayed in the water for about 45 min then I was done with the water like most of the boys. I went to hang out with a couple people from the team and a few boys. Soon it was time to go because the boys had school the next day and could not stay out too late. We walked the long bridge again and piled back on to the bus (even the two dogs). They dropped us off at our lodge and said goodbye.

         When we arrived at the lodge, it was time to get a shower and get ready for devotional. Mind you, there was one female shower and one male shower. The married couples got their own rooms with their own showers. In the main building was where everyone else was. There were 15 girls and 4 guys. This took a while. After washing the mosquito repellent off, we put it right back on after the shower. The humidity was so high, our devotional papers were soggy. They felt like they had been dropped in the pool and were almost dry. I don't know why but I just found that hilarious. We met up for devotional. Tyler and Allison gave us a history about how Not Forgotten got started. We went over our bible lesson and how it related to what we were doing there and how God is working in Peru. After that we went to SLEEP!! After not much sleep, we were so excited about this. I pulled back my covers, checking for cockroaches (we were clear), and covered my pillow up with the airplane blanket (in case of lice-you never know) and got ready for bed. Just incase I did not have enough DEET on, I sprayed more, and the other girls in my room did the same-we didn't play around. About the time we were about to turn the lights off we hear glass break and a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot. We ran outside the room and the ladies across the hall had broken the window. They were 3 ladies on our team (who called themselves the geriatric wing because they were older,but not old, women on the team) and they tried to open their window and it was stuck. So they tried to pull it really hard and it broke. I got a little scared since we knew the guy that owned this place was a Big guy that was guarded by armed men at all times, and who liked his space. But tyler assured us everything was okay, so we went back to bed.

God don't owe us anything. Ya dig? pt 1

I feel like in America, we are raised with this sense of self entitlement. We grow up with so many opportunities and so many people telling us that we can be anything we want to be and do anything we want to do that we very much forget that we are not owed ANYTHING. In the land of the free, we like to think we have rights, but we are not owed rights at all. There is a line in Lecrae's song "Boasting" that says "God has never been obligated to give us life. If we fought for our rights, we'd be in hell tonight". This is absolutely true, and I know this is going to seem like blasphemy in a post-modern country, but we honestly think that we are OWED and DUE an education, a good paying job, wife/husband and kids, nice house, a family dog, and then a nice fat 401K for when we retire so we can literally relax ourselves to death. This is NUTS! Anyone reading this blog that remembers choosing to be born to an American family, the color of your skin, and the economic status of your family, please raise your hand. Nobody? I didn't think so. This reminds me very much of Romans 9.


though they were not yet born and had done nothing either good or bad—in order that God's purpose of election might continue, not because of works but because of him who calls—she was told, “The older will serve the younger.” As it is written, “Jacob I loved, but Esau I hated.”
What shall we say then? Is there injustice on God's part? By no means! For he says to Moses, “I will have mercy on whom I have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I have compassion.” So then it depends not on human will or exertion, but on God, who has mercy. For the Scripture says to Pharaoh, “For this very purpose I have raised you up, that I might show my power in you, and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth.” So then he has mercy on whomever he wills, and he hardens whomever he wills.

(Romans 9:11-18 ESV)

Now, I am not saying he calls those who are rich and well off, because God calls whoever he wants to call. He calls the poorest of the poor. I am just saying he, for some reason, allowed us to live in a land of opportunity and we have the audacity to feel entitled to it, as if we did something to deserve it. The reason I am saying all of this is because it suddenly hit me when I had went to Peru that I did not even deserve the conditions I was living in there. Even me sleeping with cockroaches in my bed and poisonous spiders 10 inches above my face was grace upon grace. Let me tell you a summary of what happened on the trip.

First of all, it had been about 12 years since I last had flown on an airplane. I was so nervous!! We flew out of Huntsville to Atlanta and made it just fine. On the flight from Atlanta to Lima, Peru was a Different story. I took my seat beside an 8 year old hispanic girl traveling by herself to go meet her Abuela (grandmother) in Lima. Her name was Stephanie and she was adorable! She pretty muched talked for 4 hours of the 6 hour flight. She told me about her parents being separated and how her best friend once stole her cat and hid it  in her closet. The flight attendants were there to help stephanie with anything she needed. On the way to Lima, we were flying through a tropical storm and hit some turbulence. I explained to stephanie that she could not get up until the seat belt sign was off (plus it was way too rough for her to be standing up). Other people were standing up on the plane and going to the bathroom and stephanie asked why they were standing when the seatbelt sign was on. I told her I did not know, in which she replied "they must not care about the law". After about 20 minutes of mild turbulence, our plane dropped. People hit the floor, carry on luggage was falling out of the holders, and flight attendants went scrambling. They announced over the intercom for everyone to sit down and buckle up. The captain came over the intercom and told us that we would be experiencing turbulence for the next couple of hours. Luckily after that, it was not nearly as bad and began to look beautiful as we passed through the storm.

We landed in peru and proceeded to security. This was so strange. There were men with dogs walking around trying to smell for drugs. One of our team members was carrying grass seed to spread over the boy's soccer field, and it was in a clear bag and looked like an illegal drug substance that would be taken away. The way the system worked, was you walk up to this button and press it and if the light turns green, you can go, but if it turns red, you have to stop and be searched. The button was completely random selection. The girl with the grass seed got a red light. The men saw nothing wrong with the bag and allowed her to move along. we moved towards out sleeping quarters. There was a section of the airport near the food court where people were sleeping. We slept with our bags touching us. This was painful. I had been taking 12-16 ibuprophen a day because my back was having very very bad pain to where I would not be able to move if I did not take the medicine. Needless to say, the floor was not comfortable and there was no sleep that night. My first experience using a bathroom in south America was interesting. I literally had to tell myself "trash trash trash trash trash" the whole time to remind myself that peruvian plumbing systems cannot handle toilet paper. This is grace.

it was 5am and time to get going! Our flight to Iquitos was on a smaller plane but still a very beautiful and smooth ride compared to the last one. I felt like we were on a secret mission at this point because we had to get on this bus thing to get to the plane, then we board and we fly to this one city but we are told to not get off, then we fly again and get to Iquitos where we are not suppose to let anyone help us with our luggage except the people they tell us are okay. The airport was sort of open, there was air conditioning in the waiting den. It was not too hot because it was "winter" there (around mid 80s all week). We finally walk outside and see Kristen with Gene and his son and Tyler and Allison waiting for us. They cheered as we walked out, so excited to see that we got there. We boarded a bus and I got ready to see things I had never seen before.

Chick-Fil-A Crisis

I do plan to blog about my trip to Peru, but I felt like this needed to be addressed. Before I begin, I want you to know where I am coming from. I have family members very close to me who are gay. Though we have differing views, I would do ANYTHING at all for them because I love them very much and nothing will change that. I don't constantly nag at them and tell them to read their bible, our relationship isn't anything like that. Also, I do support the family values of Chick-Fil-A, though I grew up in a broken home where my real parents divorced when I was 8 years old. I also go to starbucks.

OK! now that you see where I am coming from, we can begin.
        First off, I want to emphasize that Chick-fil-a serves FOOD. Once again, THEY SERVE FOOD!!! They do not deny service to anyone, not atheists, blondes, homosexuals, alcoholics, catholics, satanists, nobody. Unless you know the people who work their personally, the ONLY thing that the person working the cashier knows about you is what you want to eat or drink. Thats it! They do not to a personal background check before handing you a chicken sandwich. Also, people with the tolerance movement are surely being irrational, accusing Chick-fil-a of being intolerant. When was the last time Chick-Fil-A denied anyone service because of personal background, lifestyle choices, beliefs, etc? Never. If anyone is being intolerant, it is the people who are raging about this issue and slandering Chick-Fil-A for information that they barely know about. But maybe I'm wrong, boycotting is tolerant, right? Okay, so we get it? In any given Chick-Fil-A, they are just serving you food. Right, lets move on.
          Secondly, I realize Chick-Fil-A is run by a Christian family who does try to operate their business in a biblical way. No matter how you flip this, no one is going to be happy about this. You have people who say "Well, you shouldn't bring religion into a business, they are just serving food for goodness sake!". And if they did not operate in a biblical manor, you will have people who say "Well I know the family that operates it claim to be Christian but they are just like any other fast food chain. If they believe the bible they should run their business like they believe it!". Chick-Fil-A is a family run and family focused restaurant. There is nothing wrong with that. I don't think when the business first opened, they had people outraging saying "HOW DARE THESE PEOPLE!! focussing on family... I REFUSE to eat here!!". Really? How silly is that. The media has really over exaggerated the organizations
 Chick-Fil-A donates to (The media? over exaggerate?? nooo. shocking I know..). The two "Anti-Gay" organizations that they refer to that Chick-Fil-A donates to regularly are called Focus on the Family and Fellowship of Christian Athletes. Nowhere in any of the titles of those organizations to they demean, oppress, or dehumanize homosexuals. The purpose of these organizations are not to be against homosexuality. The media wanted to stir up controversy by finding something the organizations do not agree with and publishing it out for everyone to see. You see memes and pictures of people mad about how The President gets slandered, and even one picture showed Obama drinking a coke with a caption that said "Headline News: Obama HATES Pepsi!". Do you see a correlation here? People have known for years that Chick-Fil-A is a business that incorporates Christian values in how they run their business. It's obvious, because when you show up on Sunday you are not getting any chicken. Focus on Family is not an organization out to hate homosexuals and tell them they cannot have a family. It's an organization that is made to help Christian families thrive by giving them help and resources. They also help marriages to thrive and be healthy by reflecting what God designed as marriage (NOT meaning that they are trying to strike at homosexuals by saying that, but they are just taking what the bible says about marriage, how to love  and serve one another and God). They are doing their own thing, they are not trying to strike at homosexuals. Just like when Obama was drinking a coke, he was not trying to strike at pepsi. Fellowship of Christian Athletes is an organization for christian athletes. It holds Christian values and teaches athletes how to play the sport for the glory of God. Yes people, Christian organizations probably do not agree with homosexuality...nor alcoholism,nor drug abuse, prostitution, nor child abduction, nor child molestation, nor terrorism, nor bullying (even of homosexuals. I know Christians have been known to bully especially homosexuals, but this is not right, nor is it biblical in ANY way). But keep in mind, they are CHRISTIAN organizations...if they did not hold Christian values, they would be hypocrites. Is the ridiculousness of the media coverage making any sense now?
        Lastly, Chick-Fil-A treats ALL their customers with the same amount of respect. They don't have a Christian radar when you walk in the front door and automatically know who is a Christian and who is not, and thus treat the Christians better. They treat everyone equally and do not show favor to anyone. They just want to do their job, give you good service and good food. I understand Chick-fil-a sponsored a traditional marriage conference, and people are in an uproar about this. But seriously, what do you think went on? Do you think people sat around at the conference looking at their marriage and saying "Praise the Lord I am not homosexual! I thank God that I am a man that married a woman!!". Seriously? No. It was just a conference about what a biblical and healthy marriage is. In no way is Chick-Fil-A out to attack homosexuals. They also supported a therapy that was to help people who are homosexuals of their hurts,habits, and hangups. No one FORCED these people to attend this therapy. And I have heard that therapy is not so good for homosexuals then I have heard that is does good, and I suppose it is mostly personal preference or how the program goes about their therapy, but either way, they were just trying to support an organization to help those hurting from homosexuality. They weren't trying to force them to be strait or "cast out the gay demon in them", just honestly help people. People are people no matter what they struggle with or what they believe, and I strongly believe the family that runs Chick-Fil-A sees that. Ultimately I think the media is trying to stir up controversy by making Chick-Fil-A look like the Westboro Baptist Church. I dare ANYONE to walk into a Chick-Fil-A restaurant and see if they are not treated like everyone else. Video tape it if you must. Also if you are reading this and you have struggled with homosexuality or know someone who has, this guy named Matt Moore has an AMAZING blog that is definitely worth checking out ( Moorematt.com) . Also for the ladies who struggle or know someone who struggles or just ladies in general, a good place to fellowship is vanitysuxx.com

Again, Chick-Fil-A serves Food.. and good food at that.

I'm Going to Peru!!

Ok, so I have big news that I have not told many people. I'M GOING TO PERU!!

This will be my first Mission trip. We are going with an organization called Not Forgotten that helps street boys in Iquitos,Peru. These boys have been forced to live in the streets due to poverty. When a family gets too poor to support their children, they tell the oldest boy (who can be as young as 6 years old) to go live on the streets and not come back. Street boys are considered the lowest being. Its not uncommon to hear about a street boy being killed in broad daylight because he was annoying someone or someone just didn't think he needed to be around. As a result of this danger, streets boys find a place to hide as long as they can until they have to come out for food. They have two options to obtain food. 1) steal. If they are caught steeling, they are taken to jail and treated cruelly by police. This punishment can be anything from letting hungry guard dogs bite them or wetting them with water and shocking them with electric wires. 2) sell the only thing they have: their body. The boys are usually scared of the police because they know the punishment, so they are forced to prostitute their bodies. What Not Forgotten has done is built homes for these boys to live, and they are allowed to eat 3 meals a day and go to school. While I am down there, we will be building a new home for the boys. We will also be doing english and Bible classes with the boys. And most importantly spreading the gospel of Jesus Christ.

Just to clarify, I'm not telling you this because I want you to think I am a good person or a selfless person (I think I disproved that well in the last blog) or just an absolute saint because I am giving up 10 days to go to peru, but I am telling you because I would really appreciate prayers.

1. pray for safety on this trip
- we will be in the Amazon Jungle. we are taking 2 planes and a boat to get to our destination.
2. Pray that God make me and the team humble servants.
- we are there to serve in the name if Jesus. pray that we carry his name well.
3. Pray that God prepare us mentally,physically,emotionally, and spiritually for this trip
4. Pray that God open our eyes to realize what is important-investing time in these boys and making disciples.
5. Pray for these boys, that their lives continue to change.

Consequences of Pride and Blessings of Humility

So I have officially finished my freshman year of college. It has been a long time coming. Over the past year, I have come to be way more appreciative for what I have and to be more cautious and discerning. Looking back just one year ago, I cannot believe what a selfish high school brat I was. I EXPECTED to go to a university with some sort of scholarship and my parents paying the rest. I wanted to get out and live on my own. I wanted to get away from Decatur,AL. And the exact opposite happened.

After the summer, I attended Calhoun Community College (the college in Decatur-which I had refused to go to during my senior year and was completely upset about attending). No scholarship. I lived with my parents, in the same room I have been in for the past 10 years. I actually remember crying over this, which the next day I thought "why on earth was I crying?".

The first semester, I got over my grumbling about going to the hometown community college knowing that I had friends that were attending as well. As the semester progressed, I made friends with the older people (most 30 and older) in my classes. I clung to the older people, because that is who I was most comfortable with. Most of them thought I was in my 20s and were shocked to know I was only 19. Anatomy was my favorite class because I was a minority. I was one of the youngest in my class. More that 80% of that class was over the age of 25.- You see, since I was about 14, I have always enjoyed the company of older people. My cousin, Zach (who was much older than me), played a huge role in that. I looked up to him so much. When I was in 7th or 8th grade I would tell him about what we were learning and he would just tell me how smart I was and really encourage me to learn more and mature more in my thinking. He told me something that I never forgot. We were driving in the car and I was complaining about how unfair my parents were and he told me "Maisey,honestly, if you think about it, you have to do what your parents say. Hear me out. If you do what they say, with no complaints, no attitude, and no disobedience, you earn their respect, therefore later on they let you do what you want to do. Say you want to go out and they say no. Don't give them an attitude and don't argue, just say 'okay' and leave it at that. They will see how maturely you handled it and will see you as responsible enough to go out later on when you want to do so". From then on, I never got in trouble with my parents. I got to do pretty much anything I wanted my senior year (without breaking any rules). -But anyways, I believe he is mostly the reason I like being with older people, because he helped me mature at a young age. These people in my classes would talk to me (Me, a 19 year old girl) about their life problems. It really opened my eyes to see that adulthood does NOT get easier.

I started to see how staying at home was not a bad idea. I got to keep going to my church, which I love,  saved thousands of dollars on the same degree I would get from somewhere else, and got to interact in the lives of other people I wouldn't have met otherwise.

I was not only immature in that I expected quality education handed to me on a silver platter because I "deserved it", but I was also immature in my relationships. I had not been in a relationship since the 9th grade. I began having a relationship with this boy (whose name will not be mentioned). He gave me so much attention and praise that I could not pass him up. He praised me for being the most Godly girl he knew in his life, being pretty, and being pure. I did not like it at first, and kind of pushed the compliments aside, but the more they kept coming, the more I absorbed them like a sponge. My heart filled with pride, and I perceived myself as precious. I began to believe I was and lived this image he perceived me to be, instead of a fallen sinner. This boy was stereotyped for the way he looked, but was actually a Christian. We talked over the summer and kept up with each other everyday, but decided not to date long distance (since I was staying with my dad in Gulfport). When I got home, we began dating. I knew that dating was for the soul purpose of marriage and that if I wasn't ready to marry, then I shouldn't date. I was not ready to marry, period, but went along with his sweet way of words. We saw each other often during the 3 weeks we had before he left for bible college. When he left, we relied on technology to communicate-bad idea. You cannot rely on technology to keep a relationship, it just doesn't work. You need that person's physical presence. Skype signal was not so good in his dorm, so we did not do that often. More times than not, one of us was in a setting where we were unable to talk on the phone, so we relied on texting and facebook as our main source of communication- again, REALLY BAD IDEA. We saw each other a few times during our first few months together. At home, I had another guy friend that I would hang out with. He liked some of the same things that my boyfriend liked and so I thought it was a perfect guy to hang out with and not have my boyfriend worry or be jealous. It soon came down to that, but not because of my boyfriend, because of me. See, I had a slight attraction to this guy friend, not as much as my boyfriend though. I saw the value of our friendship more than anything. He was a faithful friend. He was very nice, would compliment me, and share things about his life that he trusted me with. At this point is where I began to see this boy as attractive. He knew I had a boyfriend and was worried about his concern of our friendship, but I told him that my boyfriend knew that we were just friends. Before you jump to any conclusions, nothing ever happened between me and this boy. Nothing was ever mentioned of us being more than friends, no physical expression more than a friendly hug, anything that happened was all mental. This attraction only lasted a couple weeks-the last couple weeks of my relationship. I knew hanging out with my friend was not right because it may lead to me liking him similar to how I like my boyfriend, but I kept reminding myself that we were just friends, nothing would ever happen, and that it was okay for us to be friends. My boyfriend was far away, only communicating through text, while my friend was here and available to talk anytime I needed him. Just so we are clear, I was not attracted to my friend in a sexual way (incase you got that idea), it was more of an attention void that he filled in the absence of my boyfriend. My boyfriend picked up that something wasn't right at home and it had to do with my guy friend, but I continually denied it. I acted like my boyfriend was being irrational, making these audacious claims out of jealousy, when all along he was spot on right (for the most part). He thought more had happened when it did not. Needless to day, we broke up around October. This was not the end of my immature relationship.

November 4,2011 was the day that my baby niece was born! She is not my real niece, but my best friend since 3rd grade had a baby girl, Kiley, and I claim her as my niece. I remember staying at the hospital all day long, going in and out of my friend's room. I arrived at the hospital at around 10:45am and did not leave til about 10:45 that night. At around 9 o clock, we heard news that the baby was coming. The family and I sat in the hallway anxiously. My friend's dad began to talk about me saying "Maisey has always been as quiet as a mouse, ever since her and Maeghan (my best friend) had become friends. But she is a loyal friend, she is Maeghan's only friend that has stuck it through with her and is here now. You are a true blue friend". When it was time to go in, everyone piled in the room where Maeghan was and waited for baby kiley to be rolled in. When she arrived, everyone began to cry. This baby was truly beautiful. I felt a stronger sense of loyalty and responsibility to Maeghan and Kiley.

Back to school, and it was time to start second semester. Objective 1: get a job. Objective 2: make good grades. Objective 3: do not run out of money for my sponsored child in Haiti. I took less credit hours this semester, not purposefully, but that is just how it worked out with the classes I needed. By now, I was thankful to be in deactur going to calhoun and living at home. I was blessed to be able to get a job working with a hospice organization. (I am going to school for nursing, and wanted a medical related job). My supervisors were completely thrilled to know that I wanted to be a missionary nurse, supportive in my schooling, and flexible with my schedule. This was the PERFECT job!! I seriously work with some of the sweetest and caring people I have ever met. This was a MAJOR blessing! That, and the fact that my sponsored child in Haiti, Faubert, means so much to me and now I could afford to support him on my own. Going to school and working is what I was doing.

Back to the relationship. Me and my now ex-boyfriend began to talk again. Just as friends at first. Then we began to talk about how immature we were, relying on texting and facebook to communicate. I admitted that distance and him not being here in a physical presence lead me astray (not that it was his fault at all). We began to talk about how we still had feelings to each other. One thing he said that would really get me is that he would say "when I said I love you, I meant then, meant it when we broke up, and still mean it now". Some red flags that should have gone off the first time around were the bitterness he showed towards his exes in talking about them, and the things he told me about his past that he was not certain he had gotten over. My pride was built up and I wanted a boy to fill my attention void. I liked this boy too, had strong feelings for him. He was very witty, charming, has the most gorgeous eyes I have ever seen, and was laid back and patient for the most part. I know it sounds ridiculous because we are 19 and taking this so seriously, but bare with me. We began to date again, thinking that this time, we know better. This time was going to be different, and we could make it. He would often ask me to tell him things that I was not certain of or had not even crossed my mind. Things like " Do you think God has big things in store for us?". How was I suppose to know God's will? The truth was, I was STILL not ready for marriage, and neither was he whether he realized it or not. We still relied on facebook and texting to communicate- STILL A REALLY BAD IDEA. We joked with each other constantly, jokingly putting each other down in a completely sarcastic way, which is not a good idea either even though you are joking, because eventually someone will take it the wrong way. By now, I had a lot of pride, and was completely blinded by it. I mentally saw myself as superior to my boyfriend because he did not go to a church like mine, where we learned so much about theology and biblical doctrine. I also saw myself as superior because though we both wanted to be sexually pure, he had was more likely to struggle (like most guys) because the fact that he was a guy, so I saw myself as more pure than him. We saw each other more often than before. One day, I was complaining about a friend that liked me always texting me asking to hang out. My boyfriend knew of him and contacted him, telling him to never communicate with me again. I was shocked. I didn't see that coming at all. I told my boyfriend that the other guy was still my friend even though I have complained about my friend pestering me (pride) and that I could handle it myself-mind you this is all over facebook and text...such a bad idea. Everything got mended and soon after, we planned a trip to visit my friend, Savina, at her school. My high school friend, Paul, wanted to go as well. So I would be driving me, paul, and my boyfriend to Savina's school. My boyfriend wasn't so comfortable with it because me and Paul use to be flirty (mostly in a joking manor) earlier on in high school. We never dated, or had any serious interest in eachother. I could not ever figure out why my boyfriend was so upset about him coming. We also were going to meet up with a friend that goes to savina's school. We thought he was a little sketch, but he never showed us anything but kindness and had no reason to think that he was sketch. Boyfriend did not like this guy either, though he had never met him. I started to see a little possessiveness in boyfriend and began to get a little worried. We all hung out that night and boyfriend was not happy. Our other friends picked up on and became worried too. I was scared,not for him, of him. Long story short, I became angry with boyfriend for acting childish towards my friends that happen to be guys. Boyfriend wanted to fix it but I didn't let him. I did not want to hear anything. It was time to go home. He begged me to fix it right there and then, but I wanted to go home and cry over it first. He was right. We needed to fix it then, but we didn't. My grudge grew and grew into an ugly mess. I couldn't believe he acted that way. I didn't let him fix it because I thought he only wanted to fix it because he wanted to look good in my eyes again, not because he realized how he hurt me. I heard the words "I'm Sorry" a dozen times but never heard why. I certainly did not want to mow over this issue like a lawnmower, I wanted to pull it out by the roots. I didn't believe that could be done in a short amount of time because my grudge had blinded me. I wanted to be mad about it. I felt justified in my anger. And I was foolish to think so. I got tired of the "I'm sorry" phrase, so I said I forgave him, when I really did not. We mowed over the issue for a week or so. But do you know what happens when you mow over a weed? it grows back. I was filled with pride, bitterness, and anger all over again. How dare he think he is on good terms with me now. How dare he act like nothing happened. How dare he act liked he is my hero again. Whenever I felt that he became prideful, I knocked him down. Whenever I felt that he was whining over nothing, I knocked him down. Whenever I felt that he thought he was a man, I knocked him down. I knew pride had overtaken me in other areas of my life, but it was so great in this area that I couldn't even see it. I asked God to knock me on my knees in humility. That, he did. A few days later, boyfriend asked to meet up, so we did. That night, we broke up. For the first time, I saw in his eyes the result of my pride, anger, and bitterness. It took me a few days to get my thoughts together.

 I CLEARLY saw where I had wronged him. I saw myself as the standard and held myself above him as if to say "maybe you'll be good enough one day". I saw myself as more biblically educated because I knew sound doctrine and theology, but if I really understood them, I would have used them to lift him up, not tear him down. I held his past against him, as if to say " there is no hope for you". I withheld forgiveness from him because I did not feel he was righteous enough to deserve my forgiveness. I tried to fix his pride with mine. I failed to see that I was a fallen sinner just like him, in need of just as much grace as him. He was right when he told me that he did not deserve the treatment I gave him, no one does. A week or so later,I explained everything I had come to realize, but he was not interested. I did not want him back, that was not my aim at all. We had no business dating in the first place. I wanted him to see what I had come to realize about the ugliness and nastiness and PURE FILTH of my pride, and I wanted to apologize for the sin I committed against him. He still did not seem interested. He was still bitter, and although I do not blame him one bit for it, I do not wish him what bitterness has to offer. That is why I so desperately wanted to hear that he forgave me too, not for me, but for him. I did not want him to go through what I went through in response to what I went through. I knew bitterness will take over your life and I sincerely did not want that for him. We talked a little bit, making small talk. Then one day, he told me that he did not want anything to do with me. He wanted to disconnect. forever.

I was so heart broken, because I care about him as a brother in Christ and don't want him to live in bitterness. The bible also says that if we do not forgive, we will not be forgiven, and that worries me so much. I was frustrated with this news. I know people say they "move on"  and they forget about it...until something reminds them of it, then they relapse. You can be happy and forget about something, because happiness is cheap, but you will never find joy where there is rooted bitterness. So here I am, praying, hoping for him to experience forgiveness, not for me, but for him. I care about him and do not want him to hurt the pains that anger, bitterness, unforgiven and unforgotten sin bring, just like I would anybody.

Most importantly, I sinned against God. I thought that I was him. I mentally viewed another person made in the image of God lesser than myself. I viewed myself as the standard that he was suppose to live up to. In my pride, I audaciously thought that I did not need the cross. But God in his grace allowed me to see again. He wiped the filth of pride away from my vision, only to look up and see the cross.

I did not write this because I think my life is interesting. I did not write it hoping that ex boyfriend would see it and experience forgiveness because of me, that is not the case. Something holy and perfect such as forgiveness only comes from God, and it is by his grace the we see to forgive and to ask for it. When we swell up in pride, our eyes swell shut too. I pray that God daily reminds us of our desperate need of the cross and our depravity. I also pray that God teach me to forgive like he forgives. Our sin is magnified in the eyes of God, yet he continues to allow us to breathe. Don't take forgiveness for granted by not receiving it with thankfulness and awe or by withholding it from someone else. I pray that we stay humble and child-like (completely relying on God without question) in our faith.

Colossians 2:8-15